


all i know since yesterday (is everything has changed)

by ataharcot



Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Humor, Swearing, and ed sheeran, based off the movie "life as we know it", ej and gina caswell are kinda gross, kind of sexual themes but not really, this author now regrets writing portwell and redlyn, this is pretty much a tribute to how much taylor swift i've been listening to, yes the title is a taylor swift song because her songs are perfect for rini
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:35:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 39,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23958541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ataharcot/pseuds/ataharcot
Summary: Nina Salazar-Roberts and Richard Bowen do not get along. It's been a well-known fact since that day in '10, and if it were up to Nina, she'd never have to see him again. Except it's kind of hard to ignore him when their best friends are married and they're the godparents of the most adorable child in the world. When tragedy hits, Nina and Ricky learn how to work together and take care of their goddaughter, maybe-also-kinda-sorta learning more about each other along the way.-“I’m the godfather, dumbass, of course I’m going to be here.” It was his turn to roll his eyes, waving his gift in front of her face. It was a (surprisingly) nicely wrapped gift, probably a teddy bear knowing Bowen. “It’s her first birthday, and I do love her. And her parents, AKA my best friends. Where’s your present, godmother Nina?”He drew out her name mockingly, like "Ni-Nuh", and she gave him a tight smile. She pointed at the wicker basket of nicely folded clothes and the other basket of cupcakes and treats. “The cake is in my car,” she told him smugly.“Fucking show-off."
Relationships: Ricky Bowen/Nini Salazar-Roberts
Comments: 64
Kudos: 276





	1. winter

**Author's Note:**

> this is roughly based off the movie "life as we know it".  
> here are some notes for the story:  
> \- aged-up characters; the core four (ricky, nini, gina, ej) are all 27  
> \- i'm sorry about how oc they come across as  
> \- some 'mature' themes but not really? mentions sex and there is a lot of swearing  
> \- they are somehow all kinda uber-successful because we have to remember that ej caswell had a 4.0 gpa, was into theatre and water polo (thanks to his terrible instagram username) and would obviously love grey's anatomy (not that i actually watched that show; sorry)  
> \- ej and ricky are best friends; nina and gina are too  
> \- this is a portwell story; sorry if it isn't your cup of tea  
> \- there WILL be character death sorry :( (not rini but it makes me sad nevertheless)  
> \- established portwell, redlyn, seblos :))  
> \- this story is set in los angeles for no reason whatsoever

**_winter_ **

Nina Salazar-Roberts straightened the skirt of her purple turtleneck dress as she walked up the steps towards the large modern-styled house. Her hand stopped over the door, hovering over the doorbell, where an elegant _“C”_ resided beside it. 

She smiled faintly, the house was just as simplistic and elegant as her two best friends.

She ringed the doorbell just as a swift swat to her backside caught her off guard, making her jump. She whipped around, glaring heavily at Ricky Bowen. Leather jacket clad, sunglasses on, smirking.

Or, you know, the bane of her existence since high school.

“Hey hot stuff,” he said, smirking down at her. Nina adjusted her eyes upwards to give him a better death glare. “You really filled out.”

“Rot in hell Bowen,” she hissed, turning towards the door. The dark finish was starting to look interesting.

“Wow Roberts, that’s not so nice.” He stepped closer towards her, his sandalwood and citrus cologne really filling her nose. “I mean, you used to be all flat and shit. Nothing really to grab or look at.” His eyes flicked over to her and she grabbed her skirt down, glaring at him. “But now, it’s all nice and round. It’s just making me itch to get a squ-”

“Richard Bowen, shut the fuck up,” she growled, socking his right arm. It was just something she always did, since they were kids. She smirked, satisfied, as he groaned.

“Damn.” Ricky thought he was so cool, showing up to his best friends’ house with a leather jacket and sunglasses in the winter (Los Angeles’ poor attempt at winter, but the point still stands). Well, besides being incredibly lame, it was always a good way for Nina to put him in his place.

They do this game like a well-choreographed dance, one making moves while the other parries back. It’s been like this since high school, where they simply associated with each other because their best friends were dating. 

Nina Salazar-Roberts was not friends with Richard Bowen. No, they were simply coexisting, forever bound by their best friends to see each other on occasions such as; their wedding (Nina was maid of honour. Ricky was best man), birthdays, hangouts, parties, and most recently, Lilah’s birthday (she was godmother, and a damn good one. Unfortunately, by some miracle ~~or mistake~~ , Ricky was godfather). 

“Well, you’re the first person I’ve known who’s sensitive about their ass.” Ricky laughed, dodging another punch coming his way. 

She rolled her eyes, hitting him with her small purse. “I don’t even know why EJ and Gina even invited you! You’re absolutely vile and should be nowhere near their precious child!”

“I’m the godfather, dumbass, of course I’m going to be here.” It was his turn to roll his eyes, waving his gift in front of her face. It was a (surprisingly) nicely wrapped gift, probably a teddy bear knowing Bowen. “It’s her _first_ birthday, and I do love her. And her parents, AKA my best friends. Where’s your present, _godmother_ Nina?”

He drew out her name mockingly, like “ _Ni-Nuh”_ , and she gave him a tight ~~fake~~ smile. She pointed at the wicker basket of nicely folded clothes and the other basket of cupcakes and treats. “The cake is in my car,” she told him smugly.

“Fucking show-off,” he muttered, turning back to the Caswells' _very interesting_ front door. She laughed, brushing her wavy dark hair over her shoulder. 

“We do this game again and again, Bowen. You try to make a move, but you’ll _never_ win. _I do_.” She narrowed her usually warm brown eyes and gave him her signature Bowen-You’re-Dead Glare™ (trademark pending by Gina Porter-Caswell). “Remember that.”

“Nina! Ricky!” 

They both turned their heads to the doorway, where EJ and Gina Caswell stood, desperately trying to laugh and failing. Gina met Nina’s eyes worriedly, Nina sending a half-smile back before lifting both wicker baskets. 

The disaster of 2010 was something Gina Porter-Caswell never forgave herself for, when she set Nina and Ricky up together on a date in high school and he showed up 2 hours _l_ _ate_ smelling like another girl’s perfume. 

Nina made Gina promise that she’ll _never_ have to see Richard Bowen’s stupid face again. Actually, her exact words were, _“Gina, oh my god. The only way you can make this up to me is if you promise I never have to see him again_.”

Gina had promised and swore up and down that she would never let Nina ever see Ricky again, let alone _hear_ about him. But of course that went to hell because Gina just had to go _marry_ Edward Jacob Caswell ( _that’s NOT his name Nini!_ ) and guess who happens to his best friend? Richard _fucking_ Bowen.

What a liar.

“Come in guys! Lilah’s just waking up from her nap and we’re going to set up the party soon!” EJ hugged them both tightly, ushering them inside. Even though EJ is best friends with the worst person on the face of this planet, Nina had to give Gina credit. EJ Caswell, sometimes not the brightest light bulb in the pack, was a really nice guy. “It’s so good to see you!”

Gina hugged her after saying hi to Ricky, who smiled and nodded at her before following his best friend inside. “Sorry I didn’t warn you about him,” she smiled sheepishly. “Out of all the things I thought he would do, smacking your ass was something I didn’t see coming.”

“Gi! You were watching the entire time?” she glared at her friend. “You know how Bowen gets when there’s something viable in his vicinity.”

“You wish, princess,” Ricky drawled, taking a sip of his beer (how did he get one so fast?).

Gina held Nina down, who was one sly comment away from beating him up.

“We thought you’d get over this stupid little fued of yours. We were definitely wrong.” Gina wrapped an arm around Nina. “Next time we won’t be stupid, okay?”

Nina smiled, handing EJ the wicker basket of cupcakes. “Okay. Anyways, I have the rest of the treats in my car, so I’ll get it and help you set up for the party, ‘kay?”

EJ kissed his wife’s forehead, smiling at her with his obnoxious mega-watt grin. “Okay. Next time, we won’t leave you in front of our big knocker.”

Ricky raised an eyebrow, saying “You like big knockers?” just as Nina smacked her hand against her forehead, groaning. 

Gina smirked while EJ looked ~~not so subtly~~ at his wife’s chest. “Yes. We both do, but especially me.”

Nina sighed, rubbing her eyes. “After all those years, you two are still the horniest people I know.”

* * *

Lilah Caswell babbled up at Nina, who scooped her up and bopped her adorable nose (that was definitely from Gina) and stared at her godmother with her gorgeous green-blue eyes (from her dad). 

“Oh sweetheart, you are just the most gorgeous baby,” she cooed at her goddaughter. 

Lilah grabbed her finger and started sucking on it, making Nina laugh. Lilah was a stunning combination of her parents, with her mother's beautiful dark hair, lightly tanned skin and nose, and getting her dad’s sea green eyes, long dark lashes, and the mega-watt Caswell smile. She was long-awaited, a little surprise for the group of friends, but in Nina’s opinion, more loved than anything else in the world.

The four of them went to different colleges in different states, but still stayed in through touch all of those years. After that, they travelled the world together, exploring the freedom they had after college. Nina still had a scrapbook of their travels, something she’ll give to Lilah when she’s old enough. 

After they were sure they'd wrecked enough havoc on the world, EJ and Gina finally settled down and got married at a gorgeous castle outside of Salt Lake City, their hometown, where Nina was the Maid of Honor (obviously) and Ricky was Best Man (somehow). They then settled in Los Angeles, where Nina and unfortunately Ricky had already set up shop and started the rest of their lives.

EJ had settled to becoming an anesthesiologist at the hospital, something that he really never thought of doing until he watched Grey’s Anatomy with Gina on a date in high school, and was shocked to see that almost nothing from the show was applied to real life. But nonetheless, he loved his job and was quickly becoming a “Doctor McDreamy” (thanks Gina).

Gina was an English professor down at the university and was a damn good one (according to ratemyprofessor.com), and before having Lilah used to volunteer at a lot of city events with Nina and taught dance at the local orphanages.

Ricky was a pretty popular sports broadcaster for the local news, usually covering basketball (go Lakers!) and was way too loud about it. He and EJ used to sit on the couch of his basement and watch the games, mock-commenting the game while it was airing, and Nina used to remember throwing a beer can at him once (he swears up and down that he still has the scar).

And Nina— well, after deciding in high school that becoming Taylor Swift and world domination was just too much (for the world, not Nina, they could not handle her), went to culinary school and became a kick-ass baker/chef, starting up her own bakery (and soon-to-be restaurant!) _Croquembouche_ ( _because I like the way it sounds, Richard_ ), which was really popular in the heart of Los Angeles, so much so that she was expanding it and maybe branching out to more locations in the near future. 

Then last year happened, and Lilah Alaia Caswell came into their lives— making them happier than they ever thought possible.

Ricky came, taking Lilah out gently from Nina’s arms, beaming down at her. “Lili,” he tickled her chin, making her giggle, “keep on smiling like that, okay? Or else you’re going to end up like your aunt Nina— all miserable and sad and forever lonely—” he swiftly dodged a kick to his crotch. “Hey, careful, holding precious cargo here.”

Nina scrunched her nose. “I hope you meant Li, and not your dick, because that is most certainly _not_ precious.”

“Both, darlin’,” he sent her a smirk, “and I don’t know what you mean. The ladies love what’s down h—”

“Richard, there is a child in the room.” She threw Lilah’s toy duck (sorry Lilah) at his head, hitting him in the eye. “Plus, I would have done you a favour. You know, no need for condoms.”

He rolled his eyes, rocking Lilah back and forth in his arms. She cooed at her godfather, ~~miraculously~~ loving it. Well, with her parents being EJ and Gina, some of the most generous people she knows, it checks out. “Nina Salazar-Roberts, there is a child here.” he mocked her voice, pitching it _much higher_ than his ~~incredibly gorgeous~~ voice. She kicked him again, making him double-over, clutching onto Lilah. “Nice panties by the way. Red, always my favourite colour on a woman.”

She hissed at him. “Wow, there really is a stick up your ass. Eduardo Junanez, do you need help setting up anything?” 

EJ popped his head through the doorway. “Yeah, the tables outside. Also, for the 40th time, EJ does _not_ stand for Eduardo Junanez!”

“It stands for Edward Jacob!” Gina exclaimed, coming up behind her husband. Ricky laughed, bouncing Lilah up and down while Nina ~~cackled~~ giggled. EJ gave Gina a look that Nina thought looked like a kicked puppy, and she kissed his cheek. “Don’t worry babe, I know what it stands for. So will Lilah!”

“She’ll be proud to have her dad be named after the two main leads of Twilight!” Nina called as EJ started to walk with Ricky to the backyard. “But in all seriousness, poor Robert Pattinson.”

“To think I’m saving both of you! All because I really don’t want my daughter’s first birthday to be a murder scene.” EJ and Ricky left for the backyard, which was one of the most gorgeous Nina had ever seen, all green and lush with gorgeous flowers.

“Ricky likes to mess with you,” Gina told her, as Nina finished the last touches of Lilah’s cake. “He’s been doing it since high school, you know? It’s just something we get used to. Don’t let him get to you. EJ and I think it’s because you ditched him at prom for Tom Rodgers.”

“Well, that’s his fault,” Nina huffed. “He’s the one who told me that I had lipstick on my teeth. On prom day, AKA the day you want to be told you’re beautiful more than anything besides your wedding.” She placed the assortment of cupcakes around the larger cake.

“Well, to be fair, you did have lipstick on your teeth, Nini,” Gina reasoned, “but you looked totally hot! Ricky had nothing on you.”

“I didn’t get laid though,” she grumbled, placing the butterfly on the center cake. “You did.”

“Babe, Neens, Nini, sweetheart, I got laid right before I got my prom dress on!” Gina chuckled. Nina smiled as she iced the yellow swiss-meringue buttercream on the cake. “First, when I was getting my prom dress, then in the bathroom after that, then the limo, once in the family change-room, twice in the after-party, and multiple times in the hot—”

“I get it, I get it! You and Edward Jones are the horniest bitches I’ve ever met!” she laughed, before putting down the icing bag and grabbing her best friend’s hands. “But seriously, I love you both more than anything and your precious little girl that you made with your unfairly genetically blessed selves, so I’ll tolerate and maybe, just maybe, be nice to him for today.”

“Thanks, Nini,” Gina hummed. “Now, you know how I’ve switched pediatricians for Lilah? The new one, he’s _hot_ , Neens, and I checked his finger and no wedding ring so—”

“Gi! I love you and you are literally the most important person in my life, but no more set-ups! First braces guy, then creepy kinky guy, then probably in a cult guy, and not to mention the disaster of 2010!” Nina groaned.

“Okay, first off, braces guy was really nice! Creepy kinky guy was an honest to god mistake, and probably in a cult guy was someone my neighbour recommended to set you up with!” Gina laughed, covering her mouth with her hands.

Nina arched an eyebrow. “I see no defence for Bowen,” she pointed out, putting the multitude of candles on the cake.

“The disaster of 2010 is something I forever regret,” Gina declared, “and he was EJ’s best friend and I thought it would be cool if we dated best friends. I saw as soon as you called that that was a big mistake, but to be fair, it introduced us to Bowen-You’re-Dead Glare™, something I _do_ hope you teach to Lilah to protect herself from future boys.”

“Well, I guess Bowen isn’t the _worst_ person you could have had for Li’s godfather,” Nina mumbled. 

“So no more set-ups?” Gina asked, brushing a lock of curly hair behind her ear. 

“No more set-ups,” Nina affirmed. “Although, there is this gorgeous customer who comes in during lunch and always orders the same thing. He has the nicest smile—”

* * *

Ricky took to a swig of his beer on the Caswells’ immaculate lawn, watching his friend swing Lilah back and forth on the baby swing set. She giggled and shrieked at her father, who gazed at her with a tenderness that Ricky knew was only for Gina as well. He made his way to EJ, clapping his hand on his friend’s back.

“You did good with the kid, EJ,” Ricky told him, smiling at the curly-haired girl as she grinned. “I’m surprised she didn’t end up as ugly as you, but I guess that’s where Gina came in.”

EJ rolled his eyes, pushing the swing. “Thanks, dude. But in seriousness, Lilah looks so much like her mom, I'm going to need to invest in a machine gun when she’s older.” He paused, taking out his phone and took a picture of his smiling baby girl. “Or enroll her in self-defence classes.”

“Dude, she’s Gina’s daughter, she’ll be able to take care of herself,” Ricky laughed, taking another swig of his beer, “or her aunt Nina will definitely teach her how to get guys to stay away, with all her frigidness.”

“Ricky, you need to lay off Nina, okay?” EJ turned to his friend, his usually light-hearted eyes serious. “There's only so much she can take from your teasing and baiting, and she’s going to fight back soon enough and we’ll be out two godparents.”

Lilah’s first birthday was going really well, if Ricky were to judge. Kids from all different ages giggled and shrieked, some jumping on the bouncy castle, some on the slides and swings, all just having fun. Parents from the neighbourhood were gathered around the lawn, laughing and talking.

EJ grinned and waved over at Big Red (was that his actual name and _why_?) and his wife Ashlyn, who looked just ready to pop, while their other child Ruby, who was a year older than Lilah, was somewhere on the massive lawn. Ricky also met Carlos Rodriquez and his husband Seb, the former having sent an appreciative wink over at him, making him pale. Their kids, identical twins Oliver and Bey (after _Beyoncé_ , my queen) were jumping on the bouncy castle. There was also Kourtney and Margo, a petite brunette that reminded him of Nina, talking to the devil herself, smiling and gesturing over to the treats, a camera in her hand ready to capture memories for her goddaughter’s special day.

“Sometimes I can’t help it man,” Ricky shrugged, looking back to where Nina was standing, “she makes it too easy, acting like that. You’re used to it, it’s been like that since high school.”

“She saved your ass multiple times when we were in London and Santorini” EJ frowned, picking up Lilah and placing her on his hip. “She can be a _character_ or Type-A sometimes, but come on man, she’s Gi’s best friend and godmother to my kid.”

“She’s a total bitch,” Ricky argued, tickling Lilah’s foot. Nina was plating food carefully for a child, making sure everything looked good and in place. “Man, you’re being too nice. _T_ _ype-A_ isn’t even where to start.”

“Dude, you kind of warranted it,” EJ persisted, “because you showed up late to your first date smelling like another girl’s perfume and with hickeys along your neck. Gi’s never forgiven herself for the disaster of 2010, and she barely lets me forget it.”

Ricky ran a hand through his hair, cursing under his breath as he remembered the disaster of 2010. He could hardly forget how pretty Nina looked in her red dress, hair done up, and crushing disappointment in her eyes. When Gina and EJ told him that they set up a day between the two of them, he was so nervous, always having a little crush on the petite brunette with a gorgeous smile.

He showed up late after going to get her flowers; peonies, her favourite, according to Gina, and when nervously breaking down in front of the shop girl, she was more than willing to close down the shop and show him how sweet she thought it was.

The icing on the cake was that he showed up on his old motorcycle, where Nina insisted that there was _no way in hell_ that she would ride in that thing, instead wanting to take her brand new cherry red (like her dress) Mercedes, a gift from her more than wealthy parents. They didn’t make it to the restaurant.

“Ricky? Dude? Man?” EJ snapped his fingers in front of his face. “Please, if not for me, then Lilah, just try to play nice today. It’s her _f_ _irst birthday_.”

“Okay,” Ricky agreed. “Yeah, sure, I’ll play nice with Roberts today.”

EJ clapped his back. “That’s all we ask for, Rick.” Lilah started to cry, her face turning red, and EJ rocked her back and forth. “Shh, sweetheart, shh.”

Despite trying to keep a straight face, Ricky couldn’t help but laugh at EJ being all domesticated, although he was probably the most obvious to have been, seeing as he married his childhood sweetheart in the sappiest but most beautiful wedding he’s ever been to.

Ricky wandered his eyes back to Nina, who was currently trying to avoid a massive guy. “I’ll be back Eduardo.”

He strode over to where Nina was, wrapping an arm around her waist and kissing her cheek. “Hey babe,” he greeted. 

Nina turned over to him, for once relieved to see him and plastered a smile on her face. “Hi baby,” she said, turning back to the human hulk. “This is Rico. He opened a dance studio at his gym recently. Rico, this is Ricky, my boyfriend.”

Ricky was almost shocked that Nina addressed him with his name, but nonetheless shook hands with the dancer before turning over to Nina. “Babe, Gina was asking around for you; it’s almost cake time.” He gave Rico a rakish grin before squeezing Nina’s ass, who whipped her heads around at him to give him her “Bowen glare” or whatever Gina called it. “Careful _babe_ , he can still see us.”

“I. Hate. You,” she gritted out, her fake smile looking more and more like the Joker’s, and it almost made it shit his pants (not that he’ll _ever_ let Nina know), but Ricky wasn’t a chooser so he gave Nina’s fantastic ass another squeeze.

Berate him all she wants— Nina Salazar-Roberts had a great ass.

When they met Gina inside the house— out of Rico’s sight, mind you— Nina socked him in the arm.

He couldn’t help but grin as he rubbed it— she had a great right hook too.

* * *

Nina smiled as she brought out Lilah’s cake. That cake took her 7 hours, not to mention the cupcakes and butterflies alongside it, but she had to pat herself on the back. It was an amazing cake.

“I think this was better than my wedding cake!” Gina exclaimed, lighting the candles. 

Nina laughed, readying her camera around her neck, before pausing. “Wait, I made your wedding cake.”

Gina gave her a look before shrugging. “To be fair, it was a bit dry.”

“Was not!”

“Nini, you’re biased. But to make you feel better, I’m glad that you put more effort in my daughter’s first birthday cake. I guess I know who your favourite Caswell is,” she sniffed.

“Gi!” Nina frowned, giving her friend a hug. “Yes, Lilah is my goddaughter, but I love her just as much as I love her parents. You’re not just my best friend Gi, you’re my sister.” 

Gina smiled, giving her a hug back, before laughing. “Neens, you know that was a joke right?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Nina Salazar-Roberts, after all those years, you still can’t take a joke?” Gina asked, her brown eyes sparkling as Nina attempted to roll her eyes. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, Gina, I can take a joke!” Nina cried. “Anyways, isn’t it time for cake?”

Gina glanced at the time on the microwave, before nodding. “Yeah, good thing everything’s ready.”

She stuck her head out the door. “Guys! It’s cake time!”

* * *

_“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Lilah, happy birthday to you.”_

Nina took the entire video from her camera, grinning as she watched “Lilah” (really Gina and EJ) blow out her candles. There was a round of applause, and she took a few more pictures, already mentally adding them to her scrapbook.

“Nina! Ricky! Come take a picture with Li!” Gina called excitedly, pushing the two towards her daughter as she took the camera. “Godparents! Say _‘Edward Jacob’!_ ”

Nina laughed, seeing EJ’s shocked face and a small _“hey!”_ forming on his mouth, while Ricky snickered. Gina snapped a few shots while Nina kissed her goddaughter’s cheeks, Ricky holding the little girl’s hand. Nina already knew that these shots were also going in her scrapbook, with Ricky or not.

Nina quickly sprung up and ushered Gina and EJ back to their daughter, happy to be back behind the camera. The grandparents came in too, Ms. Porter hugged her daughter from behind as Mr. Caswell grinned from behind his son with that damned mega-watt Caswell smile. The light from all 3 smiles were blinding, and Nina made sure to keep the flash off.

“You did good, Roberts.” Nina turned around, where Ricky stood with his hands in his pockets staring at the happy family. “The cake was really good, maybe even better than their wedding cake, and they look really happy.” 

Nina smiled tentatively, looking down through her photos, stopping at the photo of her, Ricky, and Lilah, all laughing at the camera, before switching to another photo of the happy family, blowing out the candles. “Thanks,” she replied, “but you meant you did _well._ Oh my god, are you sure we even attended the same high school?”

Ricky rolled his eyes, stepping closer and brushing a finger over the picture of the happy family. “We did,” he affirmed, “you did get all those As in English and might have paid attention more, but I had a life. And friends.”

“I had friends!”

“Gina was pretty much your only friend, Roberts, you can’t deny it.”

She sighed, taking her hair out of its ponytail and shaking her head. “I’m tired and my feet hurt so I won’t even argue with you.” She took a seat on the chair, rubbing her feet and tucked them under herself, propriety be damned. “But you’re right, they really do look happy. It was a good day.”

“Yeah, it was,” he agreed, running another hand through his curly hair. Nina was itching to fix that one curl that was just hanging on his forehead, but she resisted. They weren’t like that. “But it feels like we’re all growing up, going our own separate ways. Lilah’s just the beginning, and at the rate EJ and Gi are going at, there are going to be more and more Caswell babies. I’m going to still be banging any girl with big boobs and a short skirt, sports comment on the side, and you…”

“World domination, right?” she cracked a small smile. “The plan since high school. _Croquembouche_ is doing well, we’re working on expanding right now, and I’m going to try and travel again, hopefully after the expansion is done. Maybe meet a guy along the way and follow the Caswell formula.”

“We could always travel together,” Ricky suggested, a slight smile falling on his face. “I have an account and it would be cheaper, plus I travel a lot for work. Less lonely, too.”

Nina gave him a sad look. “We’ll kill each other before we get on the plane, Ricky,” she whispered.

Ricky froze, turning towards her, his hazel eyes full of- _something_ ? Nina couldn’t tell what it was. Maybe guilt. Nina paused too, because she never called him ‘Ricky’ before. Richard, yes. Bowen, always. But _Ricky?_ She can count on her hand the number of times she called him that.

“I- I’m not always horrible and intolerable to you, right?”

Nina shook her head. “No, you’re not.” There was a brief lull, before she added, “Like today, with Rico. That was really nice of you, besides the part with you squeezing my ass.”

He gave a low chuckle ~~that was kind of really hot and turned Nina’s insides on fire~~. “Yeah, well that was the right thing to do. And you do have a nice ass, Nina.”

“He’s back,” she giggled, staring back into his hazel eyes. _Have they always been that colour?_ Amber with flecks of green in them, and another colour she couldn’t identify, maybe blue. 

They quiet down as the Caswells come in, looking tired but the happiest Nina’s ever seen them. _Parenthood’s always agreed with them,_ Nina thought as she saw them holding each other’s hands. EJ tapped on his phone and the speakers in the room started playing music quietly. “Lilah is finally asleep,” Gina breathed out. “The Baby Whisperer strikes again.”

“Baby Whisperer?” Nina asked, arching an eyebrow.

“Yeah, our babysitter. She’s fantastic with Lilah, getting to go to sleep when we can’t. She’s also the only one who can get Lilah to stop crying when we even can’t,” EJ explained.

“Cool, is she hot?” Ricky joked. Nina whacked his arm.

“Oh, so hot,” Gina replied, while EJ went to get the presumed ‘Baby Whisperer’. “We could set you up if you want.”

“Nice.”

“You’re such a pig, you know?” Nina rolled her eyes. Ricky laughed, but said nothing, choosing to stare at something behind her, or at least she thought it was behind her. “What’s so interesting?”

“Nothing,” he murmured, averting his gaze. _Weird_.

“Nina, Ricky, this is Lily, the Baby Whisperer.” Ricky and Nina snapped their heads over to the girl, who was not a hot woman as Gina had insisted, but a small pre-teen with golden blonde hair in a ponytail and sparkling sky blue eyes. Ricky groaned inwardly, while Nina had to stifle a laugh. 

“It’s nice to meet you Lily,” Nina said, sending a smirk over to Ricky. “I’m honoured to meet the famed Baby Whisperer. I’ve heard of your work, it’s very impressive.”

“Thank you,” the girl replied quietly, “but it’s not that hard, once you get used to it. I think anyone could do it.”

“Nonsense,” EJ cut in, handing Lily a 50 dollar bill, “your work is legendary and we at the Caswell household thank you.”

“Mr. Caswell, that is way too much!” Lily exclaimed, trying to hand the bill back, but EJ shook his head.

“You deserve it Lil. Tell your moms I say hi and that I’ll see her at the orphanage later with the treats, okay?” Gina told the girl with a smile. “Buy yourself something nice, enjoy being a kid.”

“Thank you Mrs. Caswell,” Lily relented, putting the bill in her wallet. “I’m going to go now, it was really nice to meet you Nina and Ricky.”

“It was nice to meet you too, Lily. Get home safe, okay? Call Mr. and Mrs. Caswell to tell them,” Ricky insisted, giving a not quite Caswell smile ~~but equally effective because hot damn~~.

She nodded, leaving quickly as the front door clicked and the security alarms chimed. 

“‘ _So hot_ ,’ Gi?” Nina mused with a look over at Ricky, who sulked. “She’s still a minor and practically a child!”

“Hey, if she were legal I would be out of here already,” Gina declared. “She’s fantastic. I’d be old news.”

EJ wrapped an arm around his wife’s waist, frowning as he kissed her forehead. “That’s not true babe. Even if Lily were legal, I’d still only have eyes for you.” Gina smiled at him, kissing him softly on the lips, while Nina’s heart soared.

 _“Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away  
_ _Now it looks as though they're here to stay  
_ _Oh, I believe in yesterday”_

“Oh my god, this song,” Gina sighed, leaning back into her husband’s arms. “Don’t you remember it guys?”

 _“Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be  
_ _There's a shadow hanging over me  
_ _Oh, yesterday came suddenly”_

Ricky laughed. “This was the song we used to get stoned to! Weed, my basement, the pool table, my dad’s beer, oh that was definitely high school.”

“Dance with me,” EJ murmured, grabbing his wife’s hand and pulling her up. She relented, laughing as she swayed in his arms. 

“Why?” she asked as she leaned her head against his shoulder. “This is your stoner song, is it not?”

“I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you during this song,” he told her seriously, capturing her lips in a passionate kiss. “ _Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say, I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday._ ”

“Didn’t you guys get horny to this song and banged for the first time in Ricky’s basement?” Nina asked, laughing as she remembered Gina’s story vividly.

“So those were assprints,” Ricky mused, soon making a face. “I’m not sure whether or not to hi-five you right now.”

Gina chuckled in her husband’s chest. “I’m pretty sure that was EJ,” she smirked, turning her head towards the two.

“Even though that’s super gross, you gave me the most important girl in my life and a beautiful goddaughter.” Ricky went over to Nina, who was sipping white wine in the corner, before pulling her up by her hands. “Come on beautiful, dance with me. You can’t be the only person sitting out.”

“Just like last time.” Nina hummed. “I was also in that basement and did that stuff too.” He twirled her around and she laughed, closing her eyes and humming along to the lyrics.

 _“Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play  
_ _Now I need a place to hide away  
_ _Oh, I believe in yesterday”_

Nina swayed in his arms, allowing herself to relax and transport herself to their younger days, which seem like they were just yesterday (no pun intended). Before the disaster of 2010, before prom, just a calm, empty void. EJ and Gina were laughing at something EJ had said, and Ricky—

Well, Ricky was staring at her, almost like a smoulder ~~but she won’t fool herself~~. She found herself staring back, studying his eyes, finding the specks of green and gold and amber in there, creating a beautiful blend of hazel.

They stopped beside EJ and Gina, who both stared at them in amusement. “Nice dancing,” EJ remarked. “You make a really good team.”

Nina laughed, letting herself out of Ricky’s arms. “He couldn’t handle me,” she retorted finally, looking back into her partner’s hazel gaze. “He lost his chance in 2010.”

Ricky smirked, grabbing her again and spinning her around, bending his head so their eyes met, his pupils dilated so that she couldn’t see the hazel anymore. She breathed in the sandalwood and citrus, which was almost intoxicating, with the light hint of beer. “Are you sure about that?” he murmured, his eyes searching her face before settling on her lips.

Nina forgot to breathe, her insides feeling like they were on fire. The living room and Gina and EJ melted away, and it was just the two of them. Nina was frozen in his warm embrace and strong arms.

_Are you sure about that?_

_“Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play  
_ _Now I need a place to hide away  
_ _Oh, I believe in yesterday  
_ _Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm”_

* * *

**_spring_ **

“Can I try a cookie?” Nina asked. “Please, they look so good!”

Nathalie clucked her tongue and shook her hand. “No, Neens, they’re not ready yet!” Nina ignored her as she breathed in the cinnamon raisin, sighing. 

“I’m just taking a bite,” she insisted, ignoring the chef’s protests as she took a bite and moaned. It was amazing. “Oh my god Nathalie this is one of the best cookies I’ve ever eaten.”

Nathalie shook her head again, frowning as she picked up the cookie. “No, the crumb is too fine. I should have gone with the Ceylon cinnamon, but I was taking a gamble and thought, ‘ _Hey, maybe Cassia would be good.’_ I was wrong, this is a disaster!” The chef put her head in her hands, while Nina subtly took another bite of the cookie, savouring it on her tongue.

“Oh my god! You’re a genius!” Nina exclaimed, shoving the rest of the cookie down her throat. “You may be a little bit of a control freak, but you are a _genius_. I swear, I would eat these out of the trash.”

“That is just unsanitary and gross,” the chef remarked, wrinkling her nose. 

Nina gave her a pointed look. “But it’s true. They are just so good.”

Nathalie rolled her eyes before turning towards the window, when a good-looking man strolls alongside it. “Hey, free-range turkey is here.” Nina turned her heel and started walking towards the cashier. “Oh, see, you’re doing it again. You always do this when he comes in, and I _know_ you get excited.”

“Shut up, I’m just trying to be responsible.” Nina tried fighting the blush off her cheeks, as she fluffed out her hair from the tight bun, watching it cascade over her shoulders. “Sorry, I’ll take over here. You can take a five minute break, okay?”

“You know, Neens, you don’t act like this when Gutierrez comes in,” Nathalie sniggered. 

Nina turned her head over her shoulder, glaring at her. “You know what? You can go fix your broken cookies.”

“Damn Nina, okay,” Nathalie yelped before turning back to where the cookies were.

You see, _Croquembouche_ was a very popular bakery in the heart of LA, where many people, whether they were celebrities, plastic surgeons, or just regular people like you and Nina came in and enjoyed the gourmet makes of this beautiful bakery. But Nina Salazar-Roberts had never ever taken over the cashier and kicked an employee off unless it was free-range turkey guy.

And now, free-range turkey guy was coming in for his 36th free-range turkey sandwich (not like Nina was counting. ~~She totally was~~ ). “Hey,” he greeted with a gorgeous smile on his face, and she just about melted.

“Hi,” she replied, plastering a genuine smile ~~that put the mega-watt Caswell smile to shame~~ and tried to play cool. “Let me guess, free-range turkey on baguette?”

He laughed and Nina thought that was the most beautiful sound she’s ever heard. He stuck his hands in his pocket and returned her mega-watt smile with a mega-watt smile of his own. “I’m getting predictable, aren’t I?”

“Huh, well let’s just call it dependable. To be fair, you did order the same sandwich 35 times.” 

He quirked an eyebrow, a faint smile playing on his lips. “You were counting?”

Nina widened her eyes. “ _I_ _sh_! 35- _ish_ sandwiches.” She made her way over to the bar. “There are other things on the menu, y’know? If you’d like to try.”

“Surprise me.”

Nina blinked. “Oh, okay. All right, great. Do you like croissants?”

“I love them,” he smiled.

Nina beamed up at him, grabbing the sandwich she had in mind. “Good, then I got just the thing.”

She turned around, wrapping the sandwich and placing it in the bag. “Um, this might sound creepy, but how come you don’t wear a white coat with your name on it? So I, uh, know what it is?” 

Nina turned around with a big smile on her face. “It’s Nina,” she told him softly.

He gave her a grin and stuck his hand out. “Nina, I’m Howie.”

She giggled and shook it. “Nice to meet you.”

“Well, actually we met 35 sandwiches again,” he informed her with a lopsided grin. She laughed, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear.

“ _Ish_ ,” she teased. “35 _-ish_. Now actually 36.” She handed him the sandwich, which he took with a smile, handing her a crisp 10 dollar bill.

“Keep the change.”

“Thanks,” she replied, keying it in. He turned to leave, but Nina froze, blurting out, “You sure you don’t want to throw your card in the bowl? Winner gets a free lunch!”

He turned around, opening his wallet and placing his card gently in the bowl. Nina saw the name and said it over and over in her head. _Dr. Howie Ashman. Dr. Howie Ashman._ He’s a _doctor_. “How about I take you on a free dinner instead?” he asked. 

“Yeah, I would like that,” she breathed out.

“Good. Call me.”

“I will.” she watched him leave, the bell chiming as people bustled by. She grabbed his card and placed it in her pocket, with Nathalie smiling at her.

“You finally grew the balls to ask him out?” the chef smirked. Nina rolled her eyes, about to say something before the phone rang.

“Hello? Nina Salazar-Roberts speaking.”

And with that one phone call, Nina’s life was changed forever.

* * *

_Gina. EJ. Car accident. Bad. Drunk driver._

“The police officer at the scene found your phone number at the top of her speed-dial, besides her husband,” the officer tells her. Nina shook, her legs trembling from beneath her as they threatened to give out. “Is there anyone else you can call?”

“Um.” Her breath hitched as she tried to steady her breathing. _In and out. In and out. In and out_. This was like treating for shock in those lifesaving courses she took back in high school. Nina never thought she would be someone she treated. “Well, they were both only children. Mrs. Porter lives in Salt-Lake City but I have her number here, while Mr. Caswell lives close by. Here.”

Nina fumbles through her phone, giving the officer the numbers before freezing in her spot, feeling her blood run cold. “Their daughter,” she gasped out as the officer looked up. “They had a baby girl, one years old. You say the car flipped. Was she— oh my god was she in the car?”

“Ma’am, I’m going to need you to breathe,” the officer instructed soothingly. Nina complied, but felt the tears start back up as a sob found its say back in her throat. “No, their daughter was with a minor at the time, a babysitter. We placed her in Child Protective Services for the night, they specialize in cases like these.”

“Cases- cases like these?” she found herself saying. _Please don’t be what I think it is. Please don’t be what I think it is. Please don’t—_

“Yes, orphaned children.” Nina placed her head in her hands, sobbing quietly into them. 

Gina. EJ. **_Gone forever_**. 

Was it just yesterday when she saw them at their house, played with them and Lilah, talked about life and how the business was going and the gossip around the neighbourhood? EJ was laughing about a joke from the hospital, while Gina took care of dinner. And Nina? She played with Lilah, thinking she’d see them in a day or two and have more stories to tell them.

She desperately wished this were a prank show, where Ashton Kutcher would come out and say, “You got punk’d!” but Nina knew better. 

There was no Gina to say, “Nini, lighten up, it’s okay,” because Gina was **_gone_ ** and she was never **_ever_ **coming back. 

And Lilah…

Ricky pushed through the doors of the police station, hair sticking up and eyes wide. “Ricky,” Nina cried. “Gina, EJ—”

He strode over to her, wrapping his arms around her as she sobbed into her chest. Ricky was there frozen, wrapping his hand along her back and whispering words of comfort, like he knew EJ or Gina would do. He clutched her tighter when the officer came back, telling them about a drunk driver, friends trying to avoid the crash after a day spent volunteering for the local arts program, and a car accident that made Nina shudder every time she thought of it.

After it was over, when the officer had gone, Ricky finally started to cry, no longer able to hold it in, and sank to the ground, taking the sobbing brunette with him.

* * *

When they went to the Caswell house, Ricky almost cried again.

The modern building was frozen in time, just like the last time the both of them were there together, for Lilah’s birthday. 

Entering the house was hard. The first thing Ricky noticed was the unopened mail on the counter, something they always got back to doing later in the night. In the kitchen, he saw the stack of papers Gina was marking, and beside that a note that said _‘Lilah started to crawl! 04/29/20_ ’. He glanced over at Nina, who trembled as she ran her finger over it.

There was a doodle next to the phone. Ricky’s eyes filled with tears as he read the train of _‘I love Gina, I love Lilah’_ , while Nina _did_ start to cry. EJ was on a call, probably from the hospital, and got bored. Ricky could see his friend sitting there and wanted to throw up.

“I’ll find the number for CPS and get Lilah out of there,” Nina started carefully, causing Ricky to look up and stare at the petite brunette. Her usual immaculately done hair was a mess, her mascara running, and she trembled, a shell of herself. It made Ricky ache to see her like that. “I’ll get Nathalie to run the bakery and someone to—”

“Stop.” Nina turned her head over to where Ricky was standing, near the phone. “I think you need to slow down because I think I need to process this because this is happening so fast and I can’t believe this is real.” Nina followed him to the dining table, where he traced Lilah’s high chair, picturing his two friends on both sides of it. “We were all sitting here— two months ago, with them, and they were _fine_. They were _fine_.”

Nina’s hand trembled as it went to clasp his shoulder. “It’s just that— it’s just that if I don’t do something the reality is going to catch up with me, and I need to keep going. I just can’t stop or else I’ll think about how we’ll never see— never see them again.” Her voice broke, and she collapsed on the chair, staring at the high chair and remembering Gina’s laugh and EJ’s stupid mega-watt Caswell smile. “And we lost our best friends, but Ricky, our _goddaughter_ lost her parents, and they’re never coming back.”

“Why did this happen?” Ricky didn’t remember ever hearing his voice sound that small. Not even when his parents divorced when he was in high school, when he fell off the deep end and acted out, or even when his mom moved to Chicago and married that asshole Todd. He sniffled, wiping his eyes, staring at the large family portrait of the Caswells, wishing that the stupid smile would come through the front door all fine and alive. “EJ and Gina— they were awesome people. They volunteered with charity, Gina helped teach young kids how to dance at the orphanage, EJ always raised a shit ton of money for whatever charity the hospital was doing and saved so many lives. Fuck, they did everything right in life! _Why them?_ ”

Nina sobbed, her body heaving, and she laid her face on the dining table. “I don’t know!” she cried, hiccuping through her tears.

Ricky took a shuddering breath, staring at the petite brunette who lost her entire world. _Him too_. “You should— um, you should get some rest Nina,” he told her, his voice rasping. “I’ll— I’ll call CPS and get this mess sorted. Cry it out, just let it all out.”

“I can’t sleep in this house,” she replied hoarsely. “Not with them gone— I just _can’t_.”

“Then go to the living room,” he begged, “and sit down. You need to go so I can be alone and finally break down and cry then man up and get Lilah back because EJ and Gina wouldn’t want their daughter in protective services.” She met his eyes, her chocolate brown eyes bloodshot, probably matching his. “I can’t break down in front of you Nina, I can’t let you see me this way.”

“Okay,” she said finally, getting up. “I’ll be in the living room.”

Ricky nodded, giving her a tight smile. “Thank you.”

* * *

**_three days later._ **

“Lilah! Lilah, shh, it’ll be alright. Just try to eat the sweet potato mash, okay sweetheart? It looks gross but I think you like it!” Nina lowered her voice. “Well, at least I hope you do.”

“Nina, the lawyer is at the door,” Ricky announced, coming over to the girls and scooping up Lilah. “I don’t think she wants to eat right now. That looks disgusting.”

Nina looked up at Ricky, whose curls were a mess on top of his head, and a dark shadow of stubble was creeping onto his cheeks. He gave her a tired smile, looking years older than he actually was. She knew she probably looked worse. She hadn’t slept for three days straight. “Okay, let me just freshen up a little bit and I’ll meet you at the dining table.”

“Sounds good.” He gave Lilah a bright smile, attempting the Caswell mega-watt that her father had, but on the inside, felt like he failed miserably. “Sweetheart, I know you hate the sweet potato mash. Me too! Uncle Rick is going to get you that nice formula milk you like, okay? And then we’re going to meet the nice lawyer man that your mommy and daddy had.” 

Nina blew a kiss at the little girl before heading up the stairs and down the hallway to the bathroom, before stopping at a picture.

It was one they took at prom night, even after the disaster of 2010. EJ and Gina looked as in love and beautiful as ever, and Nina felt a tear slip down her cheek as she traced the picture of them. Beside them was her and Ricky, with the latter wrapping his arms around her and her leaning her head on his shoulder as they both stared at the camera.

Sure, Nina was mad at him after he told her she had lipstick on her teeth, but she did let him have one dance, and was in such a good move that she had agreed to take a photo with him for EJ and Gina’s sake (though, the pre-prom shots she took at Gina’s place probably helped as well).

Nina marveled at how young and carefree they looked, free from any burdens and well, _this_.

She sighed before going to the bathroom, washing her hands and brushing her hair, before deciding she looked somewhat presentable, and made her way down the stairs to the dining room. Ricky sat at the table with Lilah on his lap across from Benjamin Mazzara, EJ and Gina’s lawyer.

She joined them at the table, giving Mazarra a small smile as she sat next to Ricky, where Lilah tangled her hands in Nina’s hair. The little girl had a fixation with it, and with Nina not having showered for the past three days, it was easy to say she kind of encouraged it.

“It’s nice to meet you Nina, Ricky,” Mazarra started, giving them both a handshake. “I’m so sorry to be meeting you in these circumstances. EJ and Gina were such good friends of mine as well, and spoke so highly of both of you.” Nina raised her eyebrow, petting Lilah’s head as the lawyer opened his portfolio and took out a few documents. “The house is paid off, seeing Gina and EJ had a lot of savings and used a portion of the inheritance from Mrs. Caswell’s passing to pay off the rest of the mortgage. You would have to still pay house tax, however, if you choose to stay here.”

“Excuse me?” Ricky asked, bouncing Lilah up and down on his knee before leaning forward, peering at the document. “What do you mean by that exactly?”

“Lilah also has a trust fund set up, as well as an inheritance she can reach when she turns 22,” the lawyer told them, “but she can always ask for an earlier release in court if she needs it.”

“Um, Benjamin, I’m sorry, but is there anything in the will about whose care Lilah will be in?” Nina persisted, staring down at the little girl.

“That’s the main reason I’m here,” Mazarra said, producing a copy for both of them from his portfolio. Nina scanned the document over before her jaw dropped to the dining table. “Elijah James Caswell and Genevieve Porter-Caswell left Lilah to be in the care of her godparents, you and your husband.”

“Husband?” Ricky repeated, while Nina continued to leave her jaw dropped. “Mazzara, we’re not married. We’re not even dating!”

“Oh, sorry about that, that was an honest mistake,” Mazarra apologized, “but with the way they talked about the two of you, I honestly thought you two were married.”

Nina revised the document over and over, trying to find something, some _little word_ that told her that this was a prank, because as much as she loved Gina and EJ, there was no way in hell they would leave her and _Ricky_ their precious child. “I’m sorry, what if we aren’t decided to be adequate with the care of Lilah?”

Ricky gave her a look that she easily translated to _“wtf”_. “Well, you would go to court, which will or will not grant you custody of her. Should you refuse, you would need to find a capable and loving person to care for her in your place.”

“EJ’s father! Mrs. Porter! They would love to take care of their grandchild!” Ricky exclaimed. “Because they’re fucking insane if they think we have what it takes to raise their child!”

“I tried to advise them against it, told them that it was a bad idea to leave Lilah in your care, with your careers and such,” Mazarra stated calmly, “but EJ and Gina insisted that you two were the best for the job. Unless you can find someone suitable to replace you in the care of Lilah or leave her in foster care, you are her guardians. Here, in a will I’ve read over multiple times and helped write, it states clear as day that if anything should happen to Elijah James Caswell and Genevieve Porter-Caswell, that they reward full custody of their daughter, Lilah Alaia Caswell, to her godparents Nina Salazar-Roberts and Richard Bowen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that was the first chapter! there should be about 4-5 chapters for this story, and i hope i did an okay job writing ricky and nini even though they're out of character. both characters have some problems and this car accident really did nothing to help that :)
> 
> let me know what you think about this story! i'm a bit rusty, i'm pretty sure the last thing i wrote was a bombed rini one-shot about soulmates that shall never see the light of day. i'd love to see what i can improve on! :P
> 
> next time on all i know since yesterday: spring, funeral, getting into the groove (i guess?) and the feels


	2. spring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which moving on might be harder than they thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a little shorter than the first one, which was an expositional dump. this covers the funeral and pretty much the week after. anyhoo, let's get to it! :)

**_spring_ **

“It was a beautiful service.” Nina turned her head over to Ricky, who smiled hesitantly as he greeted another well-wisher. The beautiful, modern Caswell house was a relic in time, but the people in black surrounding and talking in hushed voices seemed to take back on its beauty. “I think they would have liked it.”

Nina nodded, not really listening. Ricky didn’t say anything, just giving the well-wisher a small smile before turning to the next one. She tried to pay attention, to listen to the words of the people who knew and most likely loved Gina and EJ just as much as they did, but today just wasn’t a day for Nina to be here. At least not in mind.

They buried Gina and EJ on a sunny spring day, like God was trying to make up for the fact that he stole two of the most amazing people the mourners have ever known. Nina knew what her friends would have done on a day like this. They would take Lilah out to the park, have her play with others and have fun, then go back home and talk about their day on the porch swing, with their daughter being lulled to sleep on EJ’s lap.

Nina had to pinch herself. This day was real. It was happening right now.

She remembered standing beside the grave, which was beside EJ’s mother’s, watching the casket being lowered into the cold, dark ground as she clutched onto Lilah and Ricky. Nina remembered wanting to not only throw up and cry, but also go to the heavens and beg whatever supernatural forces took Gina and EJ to give them back and take her instead. She lived her life well, _Croquembouche_ would be okay, Lilah would have her parents back, and Ricky—

A slight squeeze on her shoulder from him sent her back to reality, where the sun beat down on her, making her sweat a little in the Los Angeles heat. She looked back at Ricky, whose eyes were concentrated on the lowering caskets, and he took her hand, squeezing it. Nina squeezed back because she liked it, grateful for the comfort it gave her. She kissed Lilah’s hair. 

She remembered staying at the tombstone beside Ricky, Mrs. Porter, and Mr. Caswell, and tracing EJ and Gina’s names, before settling down a bouquet of statice and orchids. EJ always liked gardening, always liked flowers, while Gina was more or less indifferent. The gardens of their house symbolised his love for them, and to an extent Gina. Gina always did love orchids. 

“It was sweet hearing their life story,” Nina heard one of the mourners say, snapping her back to the moment. “How they met in high school, hit it off, and traveled the world together. It’s tragic, really.”

Nina bit her lip, settling on looking down at Lilah. The little girl was dressed in a pretty black dress with pink bows on it, something she found in her closet with the tag still on it, and knew that Gina bought this dress for her. Nina didn’t have the heart to buy another when there was a beautiful dress from her mother, and maybe the last dress her mother ever bought her. 

The last of the well-wishers had gone away. Mrs. Porter and Mr. Caswell left to get something to eat and sit down. Ricky made to go as well, probably to get something to eat as well, but Nina held onto his arm, causing him to turn back. “Ricky?” he looked at her confused. “Do you think she knows?”

“Knows what?” he murmured, looking at his goddaughter, who played with a strand of Nina’s dark hair that fell loose from her bun. 

Nina swallowed, her voice small. “Do you think Lilah knows her life is changed forever? Irreversibly? She’ll see the kisses they gave her in photos, and not remember what they feel like. She’ll watch videos of EJ doing the rocketship with her, and not remember what that moment was like. She won’t remember that Gina smelt like strawberries and vanilla or the look on EJ’s face that is just for her, because she was their entire _world—_ ”

Ricky pulled her aside, to the study, and wrapped his arms around. She shuddered as tears fell down her face, and was glad she invested in waterproof mascara and makeup, because she’s been crying a lot the past weeks. “She won’t know them.”

“Hey, Nina, no,” he soothed, his smooth voice cracking at the ends, “that’s why we’re here. We’ll help her remember them. We’ll show her everything— the videos, photos, notes.” He chuckled sadly. “Well, maybe not the notes until she’s older.” She gave a watery laugh, smiling sadly at him. “I have videos all the way from high school, some of EJ from middle school and I’m pretty sure you do too. I have those old letters— you know the ones Ms. Thompson made us write freshmen year? Hell, I’ll even invest in candles that smell like Gina and start using colognes that EJ used if it’ll help her remember.”

Ricky smelled nice. Even in moments like these, he always did smell amazing, like sandalwood and citrus and something spicy. “No, don’t change colognes,” she managed, laughing a little bit. “You smell nice.”

“Thanks.” He met her gaze and leveled himself down so his eyes could meet hers, and clutched her hands (which was kind of awkward because she was supporting Lilah on her waist but somehow he made it work). “But you see? She won’t forget, because we’ll do everything in our power to make her remember.”

Nina broke their gaze, looking at the mantle over the fireplace and spotted another family photo. It was Gina, EJ, and Lilah again, in their backyard, but they weren’t looking at the camera. They were looking at their daughter with adoration in their eyes. Nina remembered taking the photo a few days before Lilah’s first birthday. “Are we really doing this?” she asked. “Are we really going to step into their lives and act like them just like that?”

Ricky paused and sighed, not knowing what to say. “I don’t know,” he admitted, looking at the brunette, who dried her tears and was rocking their goddaughter back and forth. “I— I didn’t want this life." _Unless it was with you_ , he thought, almost laughing at how ironic that statement was. Nina remained ignorant. “I know you did. The marriage, the house, the kid, the entire Caswell formula.”

“Not like this. For fuck’s sake, Bowen, not like this,” she snapped, glaring angrily at him. _Bowen_. It hit him like a sucker punch, the first time she called him by his last name since the accident. _Since EJ and Gina died_. Her eyes filled to the brim with tears as she formed her next words, and Ricky watched as her shoulders slumped. “I did want a happy marriage, maybe a kid or two, the Caswell formula, but I wanted to do it my own way, you know? I wanted Gina to be there to hold my hand when I gave birth, maybe joke about how they’ll get three last names and a mouthful. I wanted EJ to be there to act like a big brother, try to scare off whoever I marry and walk me down the aisle. I never thought I would do this all alone.”

 _You’re not alone_ , he almost said. _I’m here for you, every step of the way, no matter what. I care for you too_. But Ricky was no fool. He knew that Nina would never see him that way, and if there was any chance she did, he blew it on that day in 2010. Sure, they were almost-friends before the incidents, comrades of pain and grief after, and raising a perfect little girl who lost her entire world without knowing it, but were they friends? Ricky wanted to be ~~but also more~~. 

“Where would I fit in?” he asked instead as Nina looked up at him in surprise as she stopped her task of rubbing Lilah’s back. 

She shrugged, a small smile playing on her lips. It might be small, but it was a smile ~~and Ricky considered it a win~~. “Probably the guy I screw the night before to get it out of my system,” she mused, causing him to let out a small chuckle.

“I can still be your guy.” He gave her an attempted smile.

“I don’t know, I come with baggage,” she told him seriously, looking down at Lilah. “Not that I’m complaining, but it might be harder to find someone. I love Li like crazy and would never mind.”

“I do too,” he agreed. “At least we got that, right? That’s all we need.”

She hummed in agreement as a light knock caused both of them to look up from each other. “Hi.” Ashlyn (the wife of Big Red— again, who named him?) gave them a sad smile. “I was just wanting to know if you needed any help after this function was all over.”

Ashlyn waddled closer to them, rubbing her belly as Nina eyed her worriedly. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to pop on the nice hardwood floor. At least, I don’t think so.”

“No, no, it’s not that,” Nina assured. “We would love your help, but are you sure you’re okay to do so? Like, would it put too much strain on yourself?”

Ricky remembered when Gina was pregnant. EJ was frantic, not letting Gina go near anything taller than her, investing in rugs and carpets so she wouldn’t slip, and checked in on her almost every waking moment. He remembered teasing his friend, _“Dude, you’re going to drive her crazy and she’ll murder you before the baby even comes!_ ” but was happy for him, because EJ and Gina deserved the world. 

Nina wasn’t much better, worrying every waking second about her pregnant best friend. _“Are you sure you shouldn’t sit down?”_ , _“Gi, I don’t think you should eat this, it has red wine!”_ or the ever so frequent _“Gina! No coffee!”_. It was ~~adorable~~ hilarious to see control freak Nina acting like this for _nine months straight_ , and Ricky often made fun of her for that. 

Ricky found that he and Gina got along exceptionally well during that period. Between an over worried husband who freaked out over her every surrounding, and an overprotective best friend who overanalyzed and read every pregnancy book, Gina found that Ricky Bowen wasn’t too bad. With that day in 2010, Gina was always a little iffy about him and he didn’t blame her, but seeing as he was currently the only one in her immediate circle that wasn’t killing her with their overbearing attitude, she found herself hanging out with Ricky a lot.

First they saw _Avengers: Endgame_ together, which both Nina and EJ didn’t agree with ( _“The popcorn, Bowen!”_ and _“What if you feel sick? The loud action and noises could hurt you!”_ ) but they reluctantly went with them. Gina then sobbed when (spoiler alert— but seriously, if you haven’t watched _Endgame_ yet, does this really apply to you?) Natasha died ( _she said see you in a minute, she promised!_ ) and almost wailed and covered her stomach when Tony died ( _she— she can’t see the greatest cinematic tragedy ever until she watches all 23 movies!_ ). Nina and EJ cried like crazy as well, and Ricky spent half the movie comforting all three of them ~~and shed a few tears too. He wasn’t a monster~~. 

That led to them watching the entire MCU over the span of a long weekend, and a movie night tradition every Tuesday night (because Friday and Saturday were for you know— _hookups_ ), and it evolved to watching kids’ movies when Lilah came along.

He also took her to sushi, something Gina had missed dearly and EJ almost had a heart attack when learning about ( _dude! Are you trying to kill our baby?_ ) but he did research beforehand and made sure the sushi was frozen before eating, and to be even safer, he only let her order vegetarian options. Gina forever was grateful and along with movie night Tuesdays, sushi night Sundays were born.

 _Were_. He’d never have a movie night Tuesday was EJ and Gina ever again. He’d never eat sushi with them again. Ricky sobered up, blinking at Ashlyn. “Thanks Nina, but I’ll be fine,” she smiled, looking at Lilah. “If you want, I can look after her while you talk to the guests. It’ll be good practice.”

Nina looked over at her worriedly. “You sure?” She sounded concerned. 

Ashlyn laughed. “Gina did tell me how you get,” she remarked, before turning somber. “No— sorry, I mean—”

“No no, it’s okay,” Nina reassured quietly. 

“I won’t drop her on the office floor,” Ashlyn attempted to lighten the mood, to which Ricky cracked a small smile, grateful for it.

“Thank you for helping us out today,” Ricky told her. Nina gave her a small smile, cooing at Lilah quietly. 

“It’s no problem,” Ashlyn informed them, “I’m on maternity leave and I volunteered a lot with Gina, sometimes we do clean ups. We actually were going to volunteer at the women's center next Saturday,” Ashlyn rubbed her belly, biting her lip, “but I guess that’s not happening now.”

Ricky heard the chattering of the guests and looked over at Nina, who was fixing the box on Lilah’s head. “I think we should get back,” he stated carefully. Nina looked up at him and nodded.

“Call Big Red or me if you need something,” Nina told her as she handed Lilah to the woman, “if there’s _anything_ you need, just let us know.” Ashlyn nodded as she sat down on the plush coach (one of EJ’s proudest moments was buying the coach, even though it was only for the office) and rocked the little girl back and forth. She gave them a small smile before making a shooing motion.

Ricky took Nina’s arm and gently led her out of the office, and together they stood in the little hallway. Nina straightened the skirt of her black dress, and turned to Ricky, fixing his hair (or, Ricky noted, that one stray curl that he thought was his most attractive quality).

“Trying to stall before going out there?” he teased. She gave him a tight smile and yanked on said curl. “Ouch!”

She moved to fix his tie, her nimble fingers patting it down as she met his eyes. 

“I completely understand if you don’t want to do this,” she told him seriously, her hands dropping off his tie, “raising a kid is a big responsibility. And in some ways, you were right. I do want the kids and the marriage and the house. And maybe one day that will come. But I love Lilah more than anything and I want her in my life and vice versa. She was one of things I loved the most before, but now, she’s my world. She’s everything to me, because she’s the only part of EJ and Gina that I have left.”

And she turned her heel and left, her black skirt swishing behind her as she left Ricky standing there, contemplating over her words.

* * *

Nina scrubbed the floor, the general cleaning done. Her sleeves were rolled up to her elbows, her black dress rolled up to her thighs, as she cleaned the floor. Sure, a mop was better, but she just felt like using her hands, getting them dirty.

She likes things clean. Nina loved shiny surfaces, smooth, dust free countertops, clean floors, the entire package. The trash was thrown out, the food cleared and boxed, some given to guests as leftovers, the chairs placed back. But the floor was grimy. The tables were dusty. The coach was filthy. Everything was dirty, dirty, dirty.

She already wiped the table clean, steamed the coach so it was practically brand new, dusted the shelves with all the knick knacks and books that made it up, and cleaned the kitchen. Now, it was just the floor, which had shoes (Nina shuddered- no household should allow people to wear shoes in it) all over it. 

Some hair fell out of the messy bun Nina had put it in after the guests had left. She blew it out of her face, puffing as it fell back in front of her. She took off her gloves and took her hair out, yanking it as she pulled in into a tight ponytail. 

It was only then when Nina looked down at the floor and saw her own reflection. The soap, water, and disinfectant helped the shiny dark wood reflect back Nina’s image. Her face was splotchy, but she wasn’t crying. Her eyes looked dead tired, like she hadn’t slept (she tried to sleep in the guest room, but couldn’t. She got 5 hours of sleep at most this past week). Her black dress, nice, sensible, was wet, stained with disinfectant and dust and dirt and whatever she cleaned off the floor and coach. 

Her lips wobbled as she tried to stop herself from crying. The brush she had grabbed, intending to finish scrubbing the floor clattered as she took a shuddering breath, her small chest heaving as she gasped for breath.

 _Why them and not me?_ It was a question Nina had juggled with for the past few days. Her moms were gone. Lola was gone. Lilah would be okay. EJ and Gina would be alive. Ricky would have his best friends back. If they didn’t go to that charity event, if that drunk driver wasn’t driving-

 _Stop_. _Stop. Stop. Breathe, breathe, breathe. In and out. In and out. In and out_. Tears splattered on the clean floor as Nina’s sobs came to a stop, and she clutched the soapy cloth near her knee. _“What would you do Gi?”_ she whispered, cleaning up the tears as she put back on her gloves and scrubbed even more vigorously. 

Music played quietly in the background, more specifically _Hey Jude_ playing on the radio, and Nina broke. “Alexa, stop!” she screamed. “Off off off off off! Please, stop!”

“Nina!” Ricky ran down the stairs, sans Lilah, and panic shot through Nina’s heart. “Nina, it’s off!”

“Rick— Ricky,” she stuttered, tears free-falling down her face. “Li— Lilah, where’s Lilah?”

He wrapped his arms around her, getting his nice pressed slacks wet and soapy as he kneeled beside her, stroking her hair. She shuddered in his arms, pressing her face in his shoulder. “She’s in the nursery, I was just getting her ready for bed,” he murmured as his fingers pulled her brown hair out of the ponytail. Nina’s eyes fluttered closed as her breaths slowed down. 

“Okay,” she whispered finally, making a move to go up, but Ricky’s arms tightened around her waist. “You can let me go now, I’m fine.”

“Sorry,” he mumbled, releasing his grip ~~but as soon as he did, Nina just wanted to be in his arms again~~. “So, what did Alexa do?”

Nina’s face pinched into a frown as she rubbed her arms, wishing they weren’t wet from the ground. “Nothing wrong, I guess.” She looked over at the smart speaker. “It’s just- it was playing _Hey Jude_.”

Ricky furrowed his eyebrows. “Oh, I didn’t know you hated the song that much. I’ll just tell Spotify to ban that song.”

“No, Ricky, it’s not that,” she muttered, taking a seat at the breakfast island. Ricky took his jacket off and wrapped it around her. It smelled nice ~~because it smelled like him~~. “ _Hey Jude_ is by The Beatles, and _Yesterday_ is by The Beatles, and I can’t—”

“Oh.” Ricky looked down. “Well, that makes sense.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Nina lamented. “Just today, at the funeral, it happened again.”

Ricky’s blood went cold. “What happened Nina?”

She froze at the tone of his voice, remembering her thoughts. _Survivor’s guilt_ , she thought. Except she can’t have survivor’s guilt, because she wasn’t in the car with EJ and Gina when it happened. But if Ricky heard— he was just so wonderful besides that time in the study, but if she says it, she’ll scare him away from Lilah— “Just grief,” she decided finally. It was true. It was grief. 

Grieving over lives lost too early, when it was promised that they would have a lifetime together. Nina knew life was short. When her mother Dana died from cancer, it didn’t take Carol long before she passed as well, unable to live without her wife for even half a year. Nina had wanted to scream, to tell her mom that she wished she was a reason to live as well, that she loved her mom a lot. Gina and EJ helped her get through it, and so the trips all over Europe and Asia had begun. 

But now they were gone too, and she had no one to help her with it. “Come on,” she mustered, getting up from her chair and looking at him. He stared at her, confused.

“Lilah needs to go to sleep,” she explained. “I think we should wish her goodnight.”

Ricky smiled at her and followed the brunette to the nursery, his worried thoughts still not forgotten.

* * *

Ricky studied the large photo of his two friends and their daughter over the fireplace. It was the day Lilah was born, and she was all bundled up, sleeping contently in her mother’s arms as both parents stared adoringly at her. 

Nina took the photo with her brand-new camera, which she bought when Gina announced she was pregnant, so she could take photos of her best friend’s evolution through pregnancy to one day show to her grandfather. It was taken right after she yelled at him for holding Lilah wrong, like a football ( _Support the head, Bowen, god.)_. Nina Salazar-Roberts was a pain in the ass, stubborn, and a bit snobby at times, but she was tenacious and calm under terrible situations.

He’d never seen her like this before.

Nina had cried more in the past week than she had in the entire time he’s known her (but in fairness, so had he). After the funeral, however, she steeled up, not letting another tear come through. Ricky admired that; Nina always had an ability to stay calm and make sure others were okay before she was, but he was still worried. Something was off, and Ricky wanted to know why (because of curiosity, okay ~~and not because of the fact that he genuinely cared about her~~ ).

Ricky walked into the living room, only to see Lily standing there, running her hands over the mantle where pictures of EJ and Gina were, before snatching her hands away, as if she had broken something. 

“Hey Lily.” The tiny girl turned around and turned red. “Are you okay?”

“I think so,” she sniffled, turning her gaze back to the mantle, “I just can’t believe they’re gone.”

“Come here.” He sat down on the coach and patted the cushion beside him, and the blonde sat down, grabbing the soft blanket off the side and wrapped it around herself, as if to keep herself from freezing to death. “This seems like a nightmare to me, something I can’t wake up from or realize that this is, because then they’re really gone. EJ and I used to play basketball for the school team in high school. He was the star player, super good at shooting hoops and got the ball in every time. Except for this one time.”

Ricky laughed bitterly as he recalled the memory, and Lily turned towards him. “What happened?”

“He saw Gina cheering for him on the cheer team,” Ricky explained, smiling as he remembered seeing EJ’s face, “you see, Nina was into cheerleading, but Gina was more of a dancer. She wasn’t into cheerleading until Nina convinced her to do it. I think her exact words were, _‘You are a kickass dancer. You’d be a kickass cheerleader too!’_. So this was the first time she ever was a cheerleader, and EJ saw her on the sidelines and just fell in love. He was so entrapped that when he made the layout— a shot he never missed mind you, he just, missed. We lost the game.”

He remembered the coach’s face, the disbelief as EJ missed the last shot of the game and almost laughed again, like the first time it happened. He had been mortified as the ball bounced off the rim, the girl he liked watching him for the first time (though, Nina would later reveal that Gina did watch the games, just on the bleachers, to see the really attractive guy who was number 9 play). 

Lily smiled woefully. “At least they have each other.” Ricky gave her a sad smile. If EJ had died, and Gina lived, she would be a former shell of herself. The same could be said for vice versa. “I hope that one day, I’ll have what they had. Just the love they had was enough to fill this home with life and love. Mrs. Caswell sometimes rubbed Mr. Caswell’s thumb when they were holding hands, or how they would sometimes tap in sync without even realizing it. It wasn’t outright, but the love could be felt there.” _And for Lilah,_ went unsaid, but was there. 

Ricky knew that he couldn’t be EJ to Lilah, but he hoped that the love he had for her was enough to keep her okay, to raise her like EJ and Gina would. _I completely understand if you don’t want to do this_. 

His parents weren’t the happiest marriage. His dad, bless his heart, tried his best after his mother left them for Todd and Chicago (forever a city he will never visit, not even for the pizza), and was a good dad. Some shoes he couldn’t fill, but Mike Bowen cared.

But could Ricky do it? Could he raise a child, not just any child but _EJ’s_ child, just like that? He didn’t know how to parent, to change the diaper and heal the cuts. When Lilah was born, he thought he’d be fun Uncle Ricky, teaching her self-defense, scaring off boys, ~~and~~ ~~maybe teaching her how to drink when she was legal~~. Nina was going to be a great mom to Lilah, he had no doubts about that, but could Ricky fill EJ’s shoes?

“That’s what every person wants,” he found himself saying. “Love that doesn’t need words. The feeling of just- knowing they know you love them and that they love you back.” _And I don’t think I’ll find that_. “EJ and Gina were some of the greatest people I knew—” he stood up and grabbed a photo off the mantle, specifically the photo of them helping Lilah blow out the candles, “—and I want you to take this.”

Lily looked up, startled. “No, I absolutely shouldn’t.”

“No, take it,” he insisted, taking her hands and clasping them around the photo, “so it will remind you of real love, of the love you deserve and nothing short of that. I have photos, moments, videos- memories of them and they’re all in my head. I won’t forget them. You were like their little sister, you know, the one they never had.”

Lily stood up and gave him a hug, the teen’s eyes almost overflowing with tears. “I always thought of them like that too.” She turned to the window, seeing the dark blue blanket fall over the sky. “I should go home, my moms are probably waiting for me.”

“Oh, and that reminds me.” Ricky took out a 50 dollar bill from his pocket and handed it to her.

“I couldn’t.” She shook her head. “It just doesn’t feel right anymore.” He gave her a soft smile as he pushed it into her hands.

“You deserve it Lily.” He started to walk her to the door. “You’re always welcome here, for whatever you need, the door’s always opened.”

She nodded. “My moms told me that you and Nina got custody of Lilah. I know you’ll be good parents, and you’ll be a great dad.”

Ricky blinked, a frog worming itself in his throat. “Thanks.” His voice was a little thick. The girl walked out the door and waved goodbye, and Ricky waved back with a small smile on his face.

 _You’ll be a great dad_.

* * *

Ricky watched the girl head out to the street, making sure she got to her house okay, before shutting the door. The lock clicked before he set the alarms on, and headed up the stairs. Nina had been missing for the majority of the day, coming home after a long stressful day of taking a temporary leave from _Croquembouche_ and giving Nathalie instructions on what to do.

She then also went out and bought groceries, more diapers, more baby wipes, and stocked the house up (even though they had enough stuff— it’s not like it was a pandemic or something). He walked up the stairs, sometimes stopping to look at a picture on the wall, before continuing his journey. He knew where Nina was.

A soft cry broke the gentle silence of the house and he made his way over to the nursery, a room that was grey and white striped, with accents of yellow along the room. He peeked through the door to see Nina holding Lilah as she rocked her back and forth, rubbing her back. A bottle was on the table near the rocking chair, and it looked like Nina had just finished feeding the baby.

“Sleeping is hard,” Nina soothed, “and it doesn’t get easier when you’re bigger, but you can try, sweetheart. I know you can do it.” Lilah made a whine from her godmother’s arms. “Oh, you’re really tired, aren’t you?” Nina shifted the girl in her arms so the head was supported by her bicep. “I don’t suppose you have any suggestions of what to do, do you?”

Lilah reached a hand forward and grabbed a loose strand of Nina’s brown hair. She’s been obsessed with it even before all of this. Ricky thought it was because it was the same shade of her father’s hair. “Ah ahh,” was what the child attempted to say, but the babble came out melodic, like a song.

Nina laughed tearfully, brushing her thumb on her goddaughter’s cheeks. Nina loved to sing, she and Gina used to come up and write songs together in high school. They were like a band, the four of them, but Nina only sang for Gina. It was something they did together, something that the women-no-sisters shared a love of.

“You want me to sing, darling?” she asked. “I haven’t in a long time, since your mommy and I were in London with your daddy and Uncle Ricky. I think you might like her voice more, but I’ll try my best.” Nina paused. “What do you want? Any requests?” More silence followed. “Oh well, I guess I’ll come up with something. Maybe I’ll sing some Taylor Swift, get you exposed early.”

Ricky watched the scene with unbelievable tenderness as he closed his eyes.

 _“I remember tears streaming down your face  
_ _When I said I’ll never let you go  
_ _When all those shadows almost killed your light  
_ _I remember you said “Don’t leave me here alone”  
_ _But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight”_

Nina’s voice was ethereal. A soft lilt, her careful pronunciation, still there, still Nina, but just— _magical_. Nina last sang something, not in London, but at her mother’s funeral. _Supermarket Flowers_ was her choice then, but Ricky couldn’t help but see the irony of this choice.

Dana Salazar-Roberts was sick at the end of high school, through university, and died last year. She had a long and hard fight against ovarian cancer, and just two years, on the dot, after Nina opened _Croquembouche_ , left her daughter and wife. Carol Salazar-Roberts, for how strong she was, couldn’t live without her wife, and died five months after, by a heart attack, leaving Nina all alone.

But Nina wasn’t alone. Not then, not now. When her parents died, she had EJ and Gina. But now that they’re gone— she has him. Even if she doesn’t know it yet.

 _“Just close your eyes  
_ _The sun is going down  
_ _You'll be alright  
_ _No one can hurt you now  
_ _Come morning light  
_ _You and I'll be safe and sound”_

Nina’s voice broke at the end of the chorus. After she had sung _Supermarket Flowers,_ Gina sang _Safe and Sound_. It was like a dam had broken inside the brunette, and it was the first time Ricky had held Nina in his arms. She had wept as Gina sang, as if her best friend’s voice had just told her to let it all out. To release the pain and sorrow that Nina had been holding in to appear strong for her mother.

But now, Nina had even more on her shoulders. She didn’t just lose her best friend since high school, but she got a child dumped on her, someone to raise with a person she's hated for the past 10 years. Her moms were gone. Gina was gone. EJ was gone. And Ricky couldn’t help but feel guilty, because he’s made her miserable for the past years, and now she’s stuck with him.

“You see Li, I’m not as good as your mom.” Her voice was tight. “I’ll try though— I’ll try my best for you. I don’t know if it’s enough, but it’s— it’s all I can give. I’ll make sure no one can hurt you if I can help it.”

Ricky peeked his head once more through the door and watched as Nina kissed the baby’s forehead before putting her in the crib. 

Silently, she crept over to the plush rocking chair before gently sitting down, her eyes never leaving the crib, and she rocked herself back and forth. Her breaths were heavy as she tried to stifle her sobs, before she put her face in her hands and wept. 

Ricky could hear her sobs, even through her attempts of muffling them, and he clenched his fists to stop tears from falling from his own. 

He wanted to be there, holding her. He wanted to banish the tears away, to whisper in her ear that everything would be alright, that _they_ would be alright.

And so he stayed.

* * *

**_three days later_ **

A song was blasting from the smart speaker as Nina and Ricky bickered over by the new bulletin board. They were in the middle of discussing arguing over schedules. “I usually have catering events to prepare for on Mondays and Wednesdays,” Nina informed him, placing two pick sticky notes on the days, “so that’ll be all you.” She grabbed blue ones and turned to him. “What about you?”

“I’m usually good for most days, but Friday nights and Saturday mornings are booked, always.” He bounced Lilah on his knee, smiling as the little girl laughed.

“Why Friday nights and Saturday mornings?” she asked, placing the sticky notes on those days, before making a face. “You don’t mean-”

“Fridays are date nights and Saturdays are if the date goes well, so probably the morning after” he told her cheekily. 

“That’s— nice and over-confident,” she noted haughtily. “I can’t see almost every girl you meet wanting to sleep with you.”

“It’s just the charm of me-e-e!” he remarked smugly.

She rolled his eyes. “What are you, a bad Taylor Swift song?”

“No darling, I’m one of her good ones.” He cracked a smirk at her. “I thought there were no bad Taylor Swift songs?”

“I can make an exception,” she retorted, “Taylor does have many hits, but this one just ain’t it. Like you. Where do you even find all of those girls?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know. Need some tricks on how to pick people up, to clean out the old downstairs situation, huh?” She ignored him. “Nina, not everyone has cobwebs.” He bent down and bounced Lilah on his knee. “That’s right Lili- what does your aunt Nina have?” He gave her another bounce, and the girl shrieked with laughter. “That’s right, dust mites!”

Nina glared at him (yes, it was the Bowen-You’re-Dead Glare™, Nina was bringing back a throwback) before sighing and placing a hand on her hip. “She’s going to throw up if you keep doing that,” she warned.

“No she won’t, she loves this. Don’t you Lili?” he protested as he gave her another bounce. “See, she loves this—”

Ricky’s train of thought was broken as Lilah vomited on him. Bright orange vomit— more specifically sweet potato mash (Lilah’s lunch you dumb fuck!)— covered his shirt.

Nina moved faster than the Flash as she removed Lilah from the harness and took the girl in her own arms. “See, told you so.” She turned towards the baby, who was on the verge of bawling. She rocked her back and forth, making quiet soothing noises. “Don’t worry darling, Many people have thrown up on Uncle Ricky—”

“Including your Auntie Nina,” Ricky cut in. Nina shot him a glare, but blinked ~~and tried not to stare~~ (she failed) as Ricky took off his shirt, letting the world (just Nina and Lilah) see his toned abs. “Remember Budapest? You were hammered and tried to swing around the lampost like Spiderman, but all you did was throw up on me and my shoes.”

Nina scoffed as the doorbell rang. “It was the first trip we had in Europe.” She headed over to the door, Lilah on her hip. “And put a shirt on, will you. You don’t want to give Lily or the mailman a heart attack!”

Ricky ignored her, putting an arm around her shoulders as they walked to the front door. “This is my house now, shouldn’t I be comfortable? And if my comfort does involve nudity, it’s no one’s business.” His mouth went closer to her ear. “It’s just like that day in Sicily, skinny dipping under the moonlight.”

“Well, there was nothing else to do, EJ and Gina were having sex on the sailboat we rented!” she retorted as she thought of the hot nights in Italy (it was more _steamy_ if anything), a glass or two of too much wine (try an entire bottle), and the glittering sea with the reflection of the moon. “I mean, we were kind of stuck with each other.”

“I mean, there were other ways of swimming besides strip naked,” Ricky pointed out. “I mean, we had underwear. It was your call.”

“I was a kid back then,” she objected. “I’ve grown up and matured now, something you haven’t done since senior year in high school!”

“I miss young Nina,” he mused as he turned the doorknob and yanked it open, “not her attitude, but definitely her breasts!”

They turned towards the visitor, a woman dressed to the nines in a business suit, looking to be in about her mid-40s. Her blonde hair went in waves down her shoulder, her eyes amused but cheeks red. She eyed the two of them, drinking in Lilah, who had stopped crying, and settled on Ricky, who was still shirtless. She coughed and stuck out her hand.

“I’m Jenn Reinders,” she introduced. “Your caseworker from Social Services. I’m here to review your case.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song is safe and sound by taylor swift, one of my favourite songs that i found fitting. supermarket flowers, which was mentioned briefly, is a superb song by ed sheeran from divide (i think i only listened to like 2 artists during this self-isolation- oops). more building in this chapter- yay!
> 
> coming up next- living together, more heart-to-hearts, oh, and uh yes, howie! 
> 
> as always, reading your comments put a big smile on my face, as well as kudos. let me know what you think about this chapter! :)


	3. summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maybe the path you've always wanted to take isn't what you wanted anymore.

**_summer_ **

Lilah splashed around in the tub, laughing as she squeezed the toy boat with her chubby hand. Nina smiled down at her. “There you go Li, look at you! You got the boat all by yourself!” she cooed, putting some baby shampoo on her hand and lathering the baby’s dark curls. Lilah squealed and splashed some more, getting it all over Ricky. “Good job sweetheart! You got Uncle Ricky wet!”

Ricky rolled his eyes and dabbled at his shirt. “Yes, good job Lili,” he drawled drily. Nina snickered as she cupped some water and poured it over Lilah’s head. “Hey, be careful, you might get soap in her eye!”

Nina scoffed. “She knows that she needs to close her eyes when there’s water coming on her head.” She scooped some more water and poured it on the girl’s head, showing Ricky as she closed her gorgeous sea green eyes as water came down. “See! The shampoo’s also tear-free, so it shouldn’t be a problem. Gina bought this before, y’know, and Seb says this is the best brand, so—”

“Nina, shut up.” Ricky moved to be closer to the tub, not minding how his white shirt was completely wet (and translucent— but Nina wasn’t looking. She wasn't! ~~She was~~ ) “The brand’s good, but your method of cleaning is weak. Pouring water over her head? We’ll be here forever, and Lili’s going to get cold by the time you’re done!”

“That’s impossible,” she told him. “It’s 90 degrees today, I’m pretty sure you _can’t_ get cold today. And, if you have a better idea, hit me with your best shot mister, because I think I’m doing a really good job.”

Ricky pointed to the shower head near the side of the tub. “That’s there for a reason.” There was a subtle _‘duh_ ’ at the end. Nina rolled her eyes. “It’s just efficienter, you know?”

“ _More_ efficient,” she corrected, a small smile playing on her face as she reached for the shower head. “But I was almost impressed, Ricky. I would have almost said nice job.”

“Thanks Roberts,” he replied sarcastically, turning the water on. Lilah squealed as the hot water hit her. NIna smiled back, pushing the downy curls from over her eyes (Gina’s curls; EJ’s eyes), kind of distracted. “What’s on your mind?”

“Huh?” Nina snapped back up to look at him. “What?”

“You seem a little out of it, Roberts,” he told her, turning the shower head off. “Is there something bothering you? Another dude I need to scare off?”

She scoffed. “If anything, I need to help you scare off your one-night stands,” she retorted. Ricky gave her a playful shove. “But, I was thinking about going back to work. Like, I know Nathalie’s got it under control, but I miss it, you know? Maybe not full hours, but getting back to the bakery at least once or twice a week might be nice.”

Ricky nodded. “Sounds like a plan.” Nina’s eyebrows shot up. “You’ve been out of it lately,” he explained, covering Nina’s mouth with a hand when she started to protest, “not in a bad way. But I could tell that you missed it, okay? You loved to cook and bake and come up with crazy new recipes, that was your thing since all the way back in high school. Most of my work is in the nights or afternoons, anyways, so we’ll be fine.”

Nina smiled gratefully. “Thank you.” her voice was sincere as she turned back to washing Lilah, before pausing again. “Do you think Lilah’s growing at the right pace?”

“What do you mean?” the curly haired man looked confused as he gave the little girl a once over. “She looks fine to me. Normal sized.”

Nina picked Lilah up out of the back, Ricky taking a fluffy yellow towel and handed it to her. She wrapped the towel around the little girl, putting the adorable duck hood on her head. “I mean, Harlow is almost three months old now, and she’s almost as big as Lilah.”

“Red’s a pretty small guy, but his family’s pretty tall. Ashlyn is tall and lanky,” he pondered, “I think it’s natural that their kid’s pretty tall, made of some Amazonian type shit.”

Nina smacked him with a wet towel. “No swearing!” she scolded. “Lilah’s getting to around that time where she is going to start babbling, and I don’t think EJ and Gina would want their child swearing up a storm for her first word!”

Ricky rolled his eyes, helping Nina as she toweled Lilah off. “EJ wasn’t totally innocent in the terms of swearing, and Gina swore like a sailor. I’m pretty sure they half expected it.”

“Still,” Nina insisted. “Try not to.”

“Sure Roberts, whatever makes you feel better.” Ricky grinned as the brunette gave him a side glare. “Anyways, back to before, Lilah should be fine. Harlow’s a big girl and an Amazon in training, she’s growing just fine. If it makes you feel better, you should book an appointment with the pediatrician. We haven’t got her checked up in a bit.”

“I’ll tell Ashlyn you said that,” she mumbled. “Though I doubt she’d care— unless she’s officially not a minor and you try to do something gross or Ricky with her. Or even worse, make a move.”

“By the time Harlow is legal, I’ll be hoping that I still have my hip intact and both good knees,” he told her with a wicked grin, “but I plan on getting all of my shots and moves in right now, y’know, in my prime. How about you, Roberts? Finally going to find someone to clear out the old cobwebs downstairs?”

“You’re getting redundant and boring,” she stated as she finished dressing Lilah, “and are you sure that she’s growing okay? I really don’t want to book an appointment unless we really need to.”

“First of all, you should book it either way.” He took Lilah and lifted her up. “Perfect to be held by her favourite godparent Uncle Ricky—” he grimaced, “and she pissed on me.” Nina stifled a laugh. “This is not funny Nina, this is the fourth time this month, and the second time she’s made me need to change clothes today. If this continues I’ll have to walk around naked.” Lilah giggled and clapped her hands. “You think this is funny, sweetheart?”

“I agree with Li, this is hilarious,” she snickered as they walked to the nursery. “Plus, what happened to _being comfortable in your own house_?”

“I’m a domesticated man now, Roberts, all of these consistent women in my life are tying me down,” he declared dramatically as they entered the nursery and placed Lilah on the changing table. Nina passed him the diaper. “Anyways, I have a date tomorrow, so maybe I’m not _too_ tied down.”

He powdered Lilah’s bum before carefully lifting her hips to slide the diaper under. Nina hummed in agreement as she tidied up the toys that were being used before, dusting off the ~~nonexistent~~ dust off the shelves. Nina, for all the running around she’s been doing, kept the house almost meticulously, cleaner than when Gina and EJ actually lived in it. She always liked things neat and tidy, but it was a little to the extreme. 

“Where do you even pick up all these girls?” she asked.

Ricky gave her a rakish grin. “Why, you looking? I have some guy friends I could set you up with, unless you want a girl, because that would be _hot_.”

“No thank you.” she scrunched her nose in disgust. “Just curious. Did you tell her about the two girls you have already at home? Or will that be a welcome surprise for the morning after?”

“It’s the pick up line that works best,” he told her sarcastically. “I have an adorable one year old at home and a prudish, uptight, nitpicky housemate who won’t let me sneak a peek at the goods.”

“Just close your eyes and think of Sicily,” she patted his head mockingly, “isn’t that what you think of on a daily basis?” She looked at the time. “Shoot, I need to pick something up from the grocery store. The last time you went, you took two hours.” She got up and kissed Lilah’s cheek. “Be a good girl for Uncle Ricky, sweetheart, he couldn’t handle you otherwise.”

“Do I get a kiss as well?” he asked her cheekily. 

“I fell for that once, and it was because I hadn’t had coffee in 28 hours and I was drowsy,” she quickly stated, glaring at him. “So, remember, no girls, no drinks, and no _movies—_ the last time Lily was over, she found one of your DVDs, and let me tell you, it is _not easy_ convincing a thirteen year old that _One Night in Paris_ is not about a romance in Paris.”

“Whatever you say Your Majesty,” he grumbled. 

She smirked at him. “And don’t you forget it!” He waved her off as she jogged down the stairs. The door slammed and the lock clicked, before he turned to Lilah, who was ~~unsuccessfully~~ trying to stick her big toe in her mouth. 

“So sweetheart, what movie do you want to watch tonight? I was thinking Hustlers or Doctor Sleep—”

* * *

“The place looks great! It’s so good to be back.” Nina checked out the last oven, peeking inside of it before getting back up. “You were baking something new? It smells nice.”

Nathalie grinned. “A new ice cream cake. A chocolate cake with Moose Tracks ice cream, topped with peanut butter whipped cream, Reese’s cups and peanuts. Some guy called it in about a week ago for a birthday.” Nathalie showed the drawing. “So I got Cayden to start making the ice cream, it’s about 2 litres worth, but it’s going to be a two day process.”

Nina frowned as she looked over the sketch. “Do you have all of the ingredients? It’s going to be a big cake.” She spied some frosting at the corner of the oven before quickly grabbing a cloth and wiping it off.

“We do,” Nathalie laughed at Nina’s itch. “Nina, that frosting was from 20 minutes ago, we weren’t done cleaning up. The only thing is that we need to clear a space in the freezer for it, it’s a big-ass cake. Pickup is on Thursday, so I’ll be starting the process Tuesday.”

“Language!” Nina scolded, ignoring Nathalie’s snicker. “Wait, so the cake is mostly peanut butter?”

“Yup. Dude must really love it.”

Nina paused, tapping her chin in thought. “Do you think you can make a test version to bring home?” she asked. “Not something too big, you can take some home as well. This is a pretty ambitious cake, we need to make sure we can do it.”

Nathalie raised an eyebrow. “I’m one of the best in the business, I’ll be fine.” She looked over at Nina curiously. “Hey, isn’t Ricky allergic to peanuts? Sorry, scratch that, all nuts? You’ve mentioned it once.”

“Deadly allergic. Like, he could die if he had anything that touched a nut.” Nathalie gave her a look and she raised her hands up in defense. “No, I won’t be feeding the peanut infested cake to Bowen, alright? It’s just that if I bring home or bake anything sweet, he eats them! Like, all of them! I can have one but they’re all gone a moment later.”

Nathalie wiped her forehead in mock sweat. “And I thought I was going to be an accomplice to his murder,” she teased. Nina shot her a glare. “I’m just kidding! I know you wouldn’t kill Ricky!” She paused, turning over to Nina skeptically. “You— _wouldn’t_ kill Ricky, right? How is the living situation going right now? And Lilah, how is she?”

Nina sighed as she made her way over to the counter and leaned on it. “It’s absolutely exhausting raising a child, I don’t know how EJ and Gina did it. I love Lilah and she’s doing fantastic, but when they said it would be a big lifestyle change, _boy_ was it a big one.” She took a tissue and wiped a speck of dust off the cash register. “Ricky isn’t bad, he’s actually helpful. He buys the groceries that I tell him to buy, even though it takes _forever_ , he has hookups once a week, but it doesn’t suck. I just wonder how he’s even getting all of those girls.”

“Why, are you jealous?” she teased. “Ricky’s a pretty good looking guy, and my interest may not lie in men, but I can see the appeal in him.” A notification popped up on Nina’s phone and Nathalie pointed at the lock screen, a picture of her, Ricky, and Lilah, and wolf-whistled. “Like Nina, he’s hot and single, you’re hot and single. Why haven’t you hit that yet? Or just banged as co-guardians do?”

“I don’t think that's what co-guardians _do_ ,” Nina pointed out, taking her phone back from Nathalie and stuffing it in her pocket. “And maybe once upon a time, we would have had something, but that chance is long gone. It has been for ten years since he blew it.”

“Oh, I love that story. _The disaster of ‘10_ , Gina Porter-Caswell’s only failure. The beginning of Bowen-You’re-Dead Glare™. Your villain origin story. The reason you gave up on cherry vanilla perfume and stuck with coconut and papaya ever since.”

“ _Ha fucking ha_ ,” she drawled sarcastically. “You know, that night really did suck. He’s matured now, but not that much. He was shirtless and holding a vomit covered shirt when the social worker showed up, and thank god Jenn was so understanding, because I don’t think we would have Lilah right now.”

“Language!” Nathalie mocked just as the door chimed. A tall, dark-skinned ~~very handsome~~ man walked through. “Hey, it’s free-range turkey guy!” she stage whispered. “Did you call him back?”

“No!” she hissed darting her eyes over to him as she gave him a warm smile. “The shitstorm with everything going on gave me literally no time to call. I have to take care of two children!”

“I thought EJ and Gina only had Lilah—” she got cut off by Nina elbowing her as Howie came to the counter.

“Hey Howie!” Nina greeted, giving him a smile. “What can I get for you?”

“Oh, I wasn’t going to get something, I just wanted to check if you were okay and all.” He gave her a sheepish smile, and Nina blinked, confused. 

“Um, thanks? I’m fine though. Why?” 

Howie chuckled. “Oh yeah, you didn’t know. I was the Caswells' pediatrician and I heard about the accident. I’m sure you don’t want to hear it, but I was unable to make it to the funeral and I didn’t have your number.”

“Oh.” she blinked again. “Well, thank you. It’s been hard, but I’m managing.”

“Good, good,” he trailed off. “If it weren’t for the whole accident thing, I would be thinking that you were ghosting me. I had a lot of patients though, so that kept me busy. Since now that I know that you’re fine, what do you have to say for yourself?”

Although the words were accusatory, his playful tone was enough to make Nina laugh. “I have no defence,” she giggled, staring off at a couple with a child in the corner. She remembered her talk with Ricky about Lilah’s growth and development. “Hey Howie, do you think I can book an appointment?”

“For you?” she gave him a playful glare. “No no, I know it’s for Lilah. Um, well,” he pulled out his phone, “I have a free space Friday at 3, if that’s fine with you?”

Nina pulled out her phone to check her own schedule. She had nothing to do besides look over the bakery, but Nathalie could handle just another day alone (what’s one day plus three months? She’ll be fine). Actually, scratch that. She could do any day, because her schedule and plans were all cancelled until further notice (or, when Lilah turns 18 or Ricky grows up). “Friday at 3 works,” she agreed, before making a coffee and handing it to him. “Here you go. One cream, two sugars.”

“How did you know— actually, I didn’t order that,” he said. 

Nina gave him a smile. “It’s on the house. Think of it as a make up for not getting back to you for dinner.”

He grinned. “Alright then. Thanks.” He started to head out. “So, Friday at 3, remember!”

“I will!” Nina turned back around to a smirking Nathalie. “What?”

Nathalie laughed. “You’re acting like it’s a date, and I think you should hop on that man as soon as possible, because they don’t come around too often. Plus, I know you haven’t done anything in what— a year, maybe two. You need to clean out the cobwebs downstairs.”

“You and Ricky both,” she groaned. “Maybe another time, but I have my hands full with Lilah, I don’t have time for romance or _cleaning out the cobwebs downstairs_.”

Nathalie shrugged. “Alright then, your loss. He might not be there forever!” She paused. “Wait, was Ricky your second child?”

* * *

The brunette beside him smelled tropical. Not as good as coconut and papaya, but close enough. 

Ricky groaned as he shifted over to his side, away from her. She was fast asleep on his bed, and he flopped onto his back, rubbing his face sleepily as he stared at the ceiling, dreading the next part. It was always the hardest, and Nina gave him so much shit about it the night before wasn’t even worth it. 

Why did he keep doing this? Meaningless hookups that give him little relief and gratification, one night of just sex and nothing else. Picking up women off Tinder, the grocery store, the station, who couldn’t hold a candle to the woman sleeping across the hall from him. He didn’t want anyone else except for her. 

Nina didn’t like him like that. No, scratch that, she didn’t like him at all. She probably loathed him, no, despised him more than anyone else on the planet, and Ricky could hardly blame her. He never gave her any reason to like or even trust him. He showed up late to their first date smelling like another girl, cherry vanilla to be exact, just like her perfume all those years ago. He teased her mercilessly, pissed her off, and threw his many hookups and paramours in her face.

Yet no matter how much he pissed her off, the little comments and irks he gave her relentlessly, she took them calmly and gracefully ~~most of the time~~ and took the high road. They acted like crazy kids still in grade school, not knowing how to show each other how much they like each other, and drive each other nuts just to get their attention.

At least, that was what he was doing ~~(she did it too but Ricky’s skull was thicker than ice cream that had a cup of xanthan gum in it so he’d never catch on~~ ~~)~~. 

So he was stuck here, sleeping with women who may be similar in some way, shape or form (they looked like Nina if you didn’t catch on), forever doomed to be co-guardians and co-guardians only with the girl he maybe-sorta-kinda loved liked. Yay.

“Hey handsome,” the brunette beside him purred, now wide awake. Ricky grimaced. “Should we go grab a bite to eat and have some dessert after?”

Ricky winced. “Actually…” he trailed off, trying to remember her name. Mina, Mira, Mila! “Mila, I have a meeting later today, so we’ll need to take a raincheck. Sorry.”

He gave her a charming half-smile as she nodded, somehow believing his half-assed excuse, before shimmying her tight, frankly almost illegal with a child being in the house, black dress onto her slender body. Ricky slipped boxers and a t-shirt on before taking her to the front door and bid her goodbye, trying hard to not close it too quickly (he slammed it as soon as she stepped out the threshold) to not look like a total ass.

Ricky groaned as he stretched out his neck muscles- he must have slept in a weird position- and leaned against the door frame. Although he vehemently denies that he’s getting old, man, is he getting too old for this.

He opened his eyes and was greeted with the sight of Nina walking down the stairs, her brown hair tied back into a wispy bun, with Lilah in her arms. She grinned at him, her chocolate brown eyes sparkled and her perfect pink lips parted to reveal blindingly white teeth- god dammit he was not getting soft. (He totally was).

“She looked…” Nina paused in thought, furrowing her eyebrows as she searched for the word, “sweet.” She headed towards the kitchen as Lilah babbled.

Ricky bent down and gave Lilah a morning kiss before going back to meet Nina’s eyes. “She sure as hell didn’t act sweet.”

“You probably didn’t give her a reason to, ever thought of that?” Nina remarked. “Anyways, it’s breakfast time for breakfast. Yummy oatmeal for Miss Lilah, coffee with a touch of regret and shame for you.”

“Yummy.” He followed her to the kitchen, admiring the sway of her hips and her ass before Lilah turned towards him. The sweet toddler with her curly hair and beautiful green eyes stuck her hand out to give him a happy wave and joyful chuckle.

Ricky’s heart clenched as he took in the scene. Nina and Lilah together- the two girls he loved more than anything were right in front of him ~~(if they stayed was the question)~~.

“What was the excuse this time around?” Nina queried as they entered the kitchen. She placed Lilah in the high chair and strapped her in. 

Ricky pulled up the chair beside Lilah and drew the high chair closer to himself, while Nina started the stovetop and made some oatmeal. The smell of honey filled the kitchen. 

“Meeting,” he replied, “but it was actually true. I have a meeting in about—” he glanced at the clock, “—five minutes.” He headed over to the sink and wet his hands, running them through his curls to fix them. Nina moved over to him, keeping one eye on the stove, before fixing the one stray curl on his forehead. He then grabbed his laptop from where it was charging on the island next to the phone and sat back down in his seat. “There, I’m ready now.”

Nina smiled in amusement. “Sometimes I envy the way you can just wake up and look like that,” she mused, tucking a stray lock behind her ear. She yawned and gave him an exhausted smile. Ricky frowned then, noticing the dark circles under her eyes and the tired trembles of her pink lips, wondering why he didn’t notice them before. “I need to get ready for work now, managing the finances for the expansion.”

“Why don’t you work from home today?” he asked her worriedly, glancing up and down at her. “You’re going to collapse any second now.”

“Can’t, I need to also keep an eye on the bakery,” she pointed out. “It just doesn’t feel right to keep leaving Nathalie in charge.”

“Stay here,” he insisted, grabbing her hand as she headed towards the table, “with me and Lili and our house that seems to need endless cleaning. Maybe some good Brooklyn Nine-Nine season seven to help you manage your finances.” 

“I’m thinking about it,” she drawled. “Brooklyn Nine-Nine does sound nice. All of the stuff is saved on the cloud, and I can give Nathalie a few more days off—”

“Awesome,” he interrupted, tugging her down in the seat beside him and kissing her cheek. “I’ll make breakfast for us after my meeting—” his boss’s face popped up on the screen. “—oh, hey Zack!”

“Ricky, please tell me that I’m not interrupting something between you guys,” Zack joked amicably, his blue eyes glittering with amusement. 

He shifted the computer camera towards Nina and Lilah, the former of which falling asleep on the table as Lilah sat that, lower lip jutted out adorably as she waited for her breakfast. “Nope, just having breakfast with my two favourite girls.”

“Oh dear Lord, please get Nina a napkin or something,” his boss exclaimed, “she’s drooling all over the table!”

Ricky mouthed _one second_ over to Zack before turning off the stove and spooning some oatmeal into the bowl. He grabbed Lilah’s spoon and went back to the table, placing the bowl in front of the toddler and waited for it to cool down. Lilah pouted as she reached forward to her breakfast and whined, looking remarkably like EJ.

 _EJ_. She had his smile, but also his pout. He made that face everytime someone else (Read: Gina) ate the last slice of pizza, or, in his younger days, took the last can of beer. 

“It’s weird seeing you all domesticated,” Zack remarked. “I really like it! I know you’ve stepped away from sports broadcasting and got more into journalism after the, _ahem_ , accident, so there’s an assignment for you— only catch is, it’s in Japan.”

Ricky frowned. “When?”

“Fall. It’s baseball season down there and we’re hoping for you to write an opinion piece about the differences between the Japanese version and the American sport, maybe do some reporting as well. It’s gorgeous that time of year as well.” Zack gave him a wink. “A good time for the family as well. Very pretty, good photo ops, culture and food. You’d love it.”

“We’re hardly a family,” Ricky protested, looking over at Nina and Lilah. “Kind of far from it, actually.”

Zack shook his head and gave him a gentle smile. “Ah. I think you’re closer than you think, Rick.”

* * *

“It’s very nice to see you again Miss Lilah,” Howie smiled at the toddler, who was bouncing up and down on her godmother’s lap. He held out his hand to her. “Hello sweetheart, it’s been quite some time.”

Curiously, Lilah reached out and took his finger and stuck it up her nose. Nina chuckled, a mix between charmed and absolutely mortified. “Li! You can’t do that with someone else’s finger! Especially not to pick your nose!” She smiled apologetically. “I’m so sorry about that— Ricky must have taught her how to do that. Or Gina, they both had the same sense of twisted humor.”

Howie flipped through Lilah’s file before looking back up at her. “Ah. Ricky is Lilah’s godfather, if I’m correct?”

Nina nodded, giving him a tight smile. “Yes— um, after the accident and EJ and Gina— we got custody— since they’re gone—” it felt like a punch to the gut saying that. “It’s just hard, you know, being without them. Hard thinking that they’re not here, that I’ll never see them again. Or their little girl, whom they loved more than anything else on the planet.”

Howie went to the counter and plucked the tissue box, handing it to her. “Once again, I’m so sorry,” he said sincerely. “I can’t imagine being in the situation you’re in.”

Nina smiled gratefully as she took a tissue and dabbed at her eyes. “It’s okay, I’m okay now.” She looked over at Lilah, who she placed on the examination table and was currently examining the paper. “I just hate to think that she’ll forget about them. That they’ll miss her first words and the first time she walks. I just feel like I’m failing her in a way— just barely making it at most— I don’t know if I’m doing a good job, or if she’s okay— there was this weird protrusion on her belly.”

She paused, taking a deep breath. “I’m so sorry I’m dumping this all on you. It’s just that Gina was the person I talk to about this type of stuff and now that she’s gone I— I have no one to talk to. To call up or text when something’s going on.” She let out a dry chuckle. “Boy, would her advice be useful right now.”

“You’re doing an amazing job,” he told her. “What Lilah has is an umbilical hernia. Most go away on its own, but we’ll keep an eye on it just in case.”

She sighed in relief. “So it’s not anything we did?”

“It’s not anything you did,” he assured. “Lilah is growing at a steady pace expected for a one year old, and there’s absolutely nothing to worry about.” Despite saying that, he pulled out his pad of paper and started to write something down.

“I thought you said that it would go away on its own!” Nina exclaimed, her eyebrows furrowing in worry. “What’s this for?”

Howie chuckled. “This… is for _you_.”

She blinked before wrinkling her nose in confusion. “You’re prescribing _me_ something?”

“No, this has all the days I’m free,” he explained with a grin. He held out the paper in front of her, which she took and stared at. “If, you know, you’re still interested.”

She smiled. “I am.”

“Great! So which day looks good to you?” he asked. She studied the paper, thinking that _almost everyday was free_ , before Lilah took her finger out of her nose to touch the paper. “Well, that’s decided.”

She found herself beaming back at him, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as she looked down adoringly at the little girl on the table. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

* * *

“So, I’m going on a date,” Nina announced to Ricky, who nearly choked on his penne alla vodka.

He looked up in surprise. “That’s… great.” He forced a smile. “With who?”

“Howie. Lilah’s pediatrician Dr. Ashman, the one who did his check up on Lilah?” she took a bite of the penne carefully, unsure about his reaction. “Would it be okay if you watched after Lilah on Saturday?”

“Yeah, sure, of course.” he awkwardly picked at his food, before looking over to Lilah and kissed her head. “Hey sweetheart, do you want to be my date on Saturday?”

The toddler responded by banging her spoon on the high chair’s table desk and clapping her hands together. Nina reached forward and wiped some spinach off her cheek, kissing her forehead. “I think that’s a yes.”

Ricky opened his mouth to say something before the doorbell rang, echoing throughout the house. Lilah squealed at the sound of the bell, but the adults’ heads shot up, staring at each other in alarm. “Are you expecting anyone?”

Nina shook her head and noted their messy states. “No. You?”

He shook his head, frowning as he ran a hand through his messy curls.

“Shit…” she stood up and checked the security footage outside, eyes widening in horror as she noticed the impeccably dressed blonde. “It’s Jenn!”

“Oh fuck!” Ricky jolted up out of his seat, grabbing the plates and dumping them in the sink. “I’ll wipe the kitchen table and tidy up the pots. You stall!”

Nina wrinkled her nose at her black blouse, stained (somehow) with spinach and pasta sauce, before she smoothed it out and picked Lilah up to place her on her hip. She used her free hand to comb her hair, endlessly grateful that her neat freak habits left the rest of the house pretty damn spotless (save for the kitchen, but Ricky was cleaning it up).

“I got the door!” she called, looking down at the girl on her hip and giving her a nervous smile. “It’s Jenn sweetheart. You know, the nice blonde social worker? I need you to be nice now, okay, no pulling down her top or vomiting on her this time, alright?”

They rushed down the hallway, Nina stopping to narrowly miss Lilah’s stuffed elephant, before picking it up and giving it to the girl. She almost threw the door open as she panted. Cheerleading in high school did not even compete with this level of physical activity. 

Jenn, as peppy as always, beamed at Nina before stepping in the house and inspecting it. “Hey Nina, the place looks nice. Very tidy, save for the missing Ricky and suspicious stains on your shirt.”

Nina tried very hard to keep a straight face. Jenn, as sweet as she probably was, always unnerved her. Probably because of her severely dry humor wrapped in with her good intentions was what was rubbing her in the wrong way. She peaked in the living room to see Ricky straightening the pillows and placing the last of Lilah’s toys away. “Hey Ricky.”

Ricky jolted and nearly dropped the stuffed cow (that would _not_ stop mooing) as he gave the social worker a weak smile. “Hey Jenn.”

Jenn dropped the facade and pinched the bridge of her nose. Sighing, clearly exasperated, she gestured towards the couch. “Alright, both of you have a seat.”

Nina glanced over at Ricky, who gave her a worried look, before dejectedly going over to the couch and sat down, placing Lilah in her lap. Ricky put the cow in the trunk and shut it before taking a seat beside her. 

“Families are tough,” Jenn started as she took a seat at the end of the “L” couch, facing them. “It’s totally understandable with what’s happened and all— being a new family all so suddenly. I don’t mind the house being a little messy— though it’s kind of spotless if you ask me— but I do mind that you don’t seem to be communicating with each other. You’re not working together, you’re just simply— _coexisting_.”

 _Coexisting_. Had it been any other moment, Nina would have laughed the irony of that statement. Only half a year ago she had said that she and Ricky would never mix, that they were just coexisting. But with Lilah on the line and everything to be lost, it sounded like the worst thing to ever be told to Nina.

“We’re trying!” she exclaimed, her voice wobbling as she tried to keep it together. “Ricky’s been pulling himself out of broadcasting and into sports journalism to work from home, I’ve been cutting back from _Croquembouche_ and trying to do most of the management at home—” she felt the tears start to well up in her eyes. Her eyes darted over to Lilah in her lap, who stared at her in innocent worry. “You won’t— oh my god, you won’t _take her from us_ , won’t you? Oh my god, oh my god, please don’t, I can’t—”

Ricky rubbed her back soothingly before wrapping an arm around her, giving the social worker a hard look before proclaiming, “I won’t let that happen, Neens, trust me.”

Jenn tilted her head towards the two curiously. “Honestly, though, real talk. How is it going?”

Nina sighed, rubbing her eyes. “It’s been really hard,” she admitted in a small voice, looking at the mantle to see the pictures of EJ and Gina on them, “because we miss them more and more every day. _Croquembouche_ is doing fine with everything going on, a little stressful but we’re managing, but I’m scared that one day Lilah’s going to wake up and realize that we were going in blind with her, that we don’t know what we’re doing and—”

“We know more than anything that we care about her,” Ricky told Jenn. “That we love her more than anything else in the world. That although we don’t know what we’re doing, love can-” his voice broke, for the first time not about EJ or Gina, but himself, “love can get you through everything. The thick and thin, the highs and lows, ups and downs. Out of all the amazing life lessons EJ and Gina have taught me, I have to say that this is the one I took the most out of. And, when Lilah is old enough to understand, I’ll tell her the same thing. Because we do. We love her so, so much.”

Jenn smiled softly at them, clearly pleased with their answer. “Well, guys, there you go.” She looked at Lilah. The little girl was trying to climb out of Nina’s laps and into Jenn’s arms (hopefully to not pull down her shirt because last time was a disaster. “Lilah looks perfectly fine.” She picked the little girl up and placed her on her lap. “This is solely a _‘you’_ problem. You guys are, pardon my French, a fucking hot mess.”

Nina and Ricky side glanced at one another. “Well then, what do you suggest we be doing?” 

Jenn gestured around the house. “Start with this.” Taking note of their confused faces, she elaborated. “The house. Make it your own. I’m sure Gina and EJ have spectacular taste that suits you just fine, but if you already feel like you’re living in their shadows, I think a change is needed.” She looked down at the girl on her lap, who was chewing one of Jenn’s suit jacket buttons. “The rest will follow. You’ll see.”

She eyed them warily and bounced the toddler on her lap, listening to Lilah’s melodic laughter ring throughout the house. “And you guys were supposed to be my easy family.”

* * *

Bidding Jenn goodbye, the house was silent, along with its residents.

“She’s right, you know.” Nina looked up from her spot on the sofa in surprise, peering down at Ricky who sat with Lilah, watching the little girl crawl around him. 

She hugged the throw pillow. “What do you mean?”

“We need to get it together.” he gestured all over the house. “Look at this place. I love EJ and Gina as much as you do, but this house is a museum dedicated to them.”

“They were our best friends,” Nina reminded him tiredly, “we can’t just act like they weren’t something to us. That we didn’t lose them and just erased their entire existence.”

“We’re acting like they weren’t normal, ordinary people who lived and breathed the same way we do. We’re acting like they were saints who got it all figured out and never struggled once like we are right now, when in reality, they did.” Ricky propped himself up from where he was on the floor and grabbed the remote. “I found this like what- two, three days ago? I was cleaning and was waiting for another bad day to watch it again. Maybe with you.”

He clicked the television on and set it to streaming mode. Nina watched him curiously. 

It was a video of their friends. Nina almost cried when she saw Gina with Lilah in her arms, and from the looks of it, just got home from the hospital. She was swaddled in a yellow blanket and about a few days old. The trio was inside the nursery, EJ undoubtedly behind the camera as he zoomed in on his daughter’s face, not unlike the ‘vlogs’ he did back in the day.

 _“Look at this gorgeous face!”_ the camera zoomed in even further to Lilah’s sleeping face.

_“God, EJ, is the nursery even dry? I thought you painted it a week ago!”_

The camera was placed down, probably on the changing table, as EJ walked over to his clearly annoyed wife and expected a thorough chewing out.

_“It was! I thought this was everything you asked for! The grey and yellow striped walls, the yellow accents, I did everything you asked! And the paint isn’t even wet. Shit Gina, I would never let a baby, let alone my daughter, sleep in a room with wet paint!”_

_“Well, of course it’s not wet, but don’t you think it still smells like paint fumes! EJ, I told you to air it out!”_

_“And I did! A week ago, mind you. You even saw! This is everything you asked for!”_

_“What I didn’t ask for is my baby girl to sleep in a room that smells like paint fumes. Are the crib beddings even washed?”_

_“For fuck’s sake, Gina, of course I washed the beddings!”_

Gina glared at her husband.

_“Don’t you swear in front of our daughter!”_

_“Why, you’d probably do it in about a week!”_

The camera shut off, probably because the battery died, and Nina let out a hollow laugh. “God, they were a mess, weren’t they?”

“They were, but they got it together,” he chuckled. “You see it now, right? We need to stop living in their shadow, like they’re just on vacation and it’s just us babysitting their daughter. Nina, we’re _raising_ their kid.”

“How do you suggest we go around doing it?” she sighed.

He shrugged. “I don’t know, but getting rid of this carpet and replacing it with a nicer one seems to be a good start.”

She laughed. “Yeah, I don’t know what EJ was thinking, buying this. Or Gina for agreeing to buy it. It’s just _so ugly_.”

“You see. We’ll figure it all out eventually,” he caught her head starting to droop, “but I think you need a nap. No protests, you’re about to fall apart.” He scooted over to Lilah, who was leaning against a giant teddy bear and scooped her up. “Princess Lili Caswell and I will figure the rest out.”

When Nina woke up from her nap, she had a soft blanket draped over her. The house, spotless before but impeccable now, was even cleaner than usual, and the laundry was done. The ugly carpet was gone as well, something she will look at replacing as soon as she could.

But, when she entered the entryway, gone was the life sized photo of Gina, EJ and Lilah, and in its spot was one of her, Ricky, and Lilah- incidentally the lock screen of her phone.

* * *

“So, let me get this straight. It was you, Ricky, and Lilah’s parents, EJ and Gina.”

Nina nodded at Howie, her hands in her coat pockets, as they walked on the empty sidewalk away from the amazing restaurant they just had dinner in. 

“I’ve known Gina and Ricky since— oh god— grade school. They lived in another part of town, but were bussed to the same school as me, which happened to be near my house. High school came along, Ricky met EJ and they became best friends. They played basketball together and one day, I was cheerleading for a match and Gina was as well, since I dragged her along to join the team. She and EJ saw each other and fell in love— EJ actually lost the game because he was so enamoured with her, but I think Gina fell in love with his ass that day.”

She laughed, remembering Gina’s face when she saw EJ for the first time, and after that, when her eyes had lit up when EJ had smiled at her. “We travelled the world together, the four of us, got into some crazy shit along the way. But no matter what happened, we always stayed together.”

“From what I knew of them, they seemed like a really cool couple,” Howie told her.

She stuttered, taking a deep breath to try and calm her eyes from watering, but instead just swiped her eyes. “They were.”

Howie looked at her, taking her hand in his, and gave her a hesitant smile. “Is this alright?”

Nina forgot how to breathe as she stared into his deep brown eyes, before squeezing his hand back and sending him a soft smile. “It is.”

Her heart almost stopped as they stopped walking and he turned towards her, brushing her cheek softly with his thumb, not once breaking eye contact with her. His gaze was soft, loving, everything Nina had sworn up and down that she’s wanted since she was in high school. “Is it okay if I kissed you?”

Nina froze. 

On one hand, dinner with Howie was amazing, magical, everything she thought of and more. Howie was very sweet, everything she had said she’s ever wanted in a man. Kissing him, however, seemed like a big step. Something closer and closer to something real, solid, strong, an actual relationship.

Everything rational in Nina’s brain was telling her _yes_ , _do it_ , he’s all you’ve ever wanted and more, but something inside her, small in her heart but strong, whispered to her the very words she was trying to squash, the feelings that she swore didn’t exist, weren’t real. It was something she would never acknowledge, beside a name she couldn’t bear to think about, but it was there.

Howie could sense her hesitation and took a step back, giving her an apologetic smile. “Sorry if that came on a little too strong. We can wait. I can wait,” he corrected, “because Nina, you’re worth it. And if you want _this_ , with me, I think together we could be something pretty great. Something like what Gina and EJ had.”

 _Wasn’t that everything you wanted and more_? Her brain was screaming at her, telling her that _yes yes yes he is what you’ve wanted, he’s going to give you what you want_. And Howie, who was sweet and kind and smart and witty and easy on the eyes was the perfect person to do it all with, the person she’s dreamed up from the beginning.

_“I don’t know. I- I didn’t want this life. I know you did. The marriage, the house, the kid, the entire Caswell formula.”_

_“Not like this. For fuck’s sake, Bowen, not like this. I did want a happy marriage, maybe a kid or two, the Caswell formula, but I wanted to do it my own way, you know? I wanted Gina to be there to hold my hand when I gave birth, maybe joke about how they’ll get three last names and a mouthful. I wanted EJ to be there to act like a big brother, try to scare off whoever I marry and walk me down the aisle. I never thought I would do this all alone.”_

_“Where would I fit in?”_

_“Probably the guy I screw the night before to get it out of my system.”_

Nina ignored that small voice in the back of her mind as she stepped towards him, trembling a little as she wrapped her arms around his neck. He smiled nervously at her and she returned the sentiment. 

Slowly, she stood on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his.

* * *

When Nina got home, it was well past midnight and Lilah was most likely fast asleep. She quietly crept into the house and locked the door, expecting it to be completely silent and dark.

That’s why when she saw that the living room light was still open, she paused. When she peeked inside the room, she saw Ricky asleep with Lilah on his chest. They had been watching something, and with further analysis, Nina had realized they were old videos.

Ninat sat down at the end of the coach and reached for the remote to press play, curious to see which videos exactly they were watching.

 _“It’s prom night!”_ Gina, in a beautiful yellow dress, beamed at the camera. Nina smiled. _“Come on, let me show you the most gorgeous girl in the world!”_ Gina took the camera person’s arm, most likely EJ’s, and dragged him through the crowd, twisting and weaving until they found her. Gina wrapped an arm around a younger Nina, who was wearing a distinctive red dress and amused look. _“Look, it’s my bestest friend in the entire world Nini!”_

 _“Gi! How much did you have to drink?”_ Gina ignored her as she began kissing Nina’s cheek. _“You’re so lucky that your lipstick is smudge proof! Babe, what do you think EJ thinks about us getting too close?”_

The camera shifted as EJ could be heard clearly from behind it. _“Personally, I’d love to see the show_.”

Gina had gasped, hitting EJ lightly before staring into the camera, all hazy and pretty. _“EJ! You perv!”_

“EJ and I had a bet going on about whether or not you’d actually kiss.” Nina turned around abruptly to see Ricky getting up, balancing a still sleeping Lilah on his chest. “I lost, if you’d really want to know, and ended going home alone, with no one.”

Nina chuckled as he shifted to cradle Lilah to his chest. “Well, Gina and I did all of our kissing before prom, thank you very much,” she informed him, pausing the video. 

Ricky grinned at her. “What I’d give to see that,” he murmured, before taking his free hand and patting the seat beside him. “Here, come sit with us.”

Nina obliged as she got up from her spot and sat beside him, turning the recording back on. 

She watched as Gina grabbed her and started to dance with her, unaware that EJ was filming all of it. They looked like sisters, from a distance, with the way they interacted and laughed together. Even though they weren’t by blood, Gina was her sister in all ways but that. They were there for each other through the thick and thin, supposed to have forever together.

The camera shifted to Ricky, who, weirdly, looked… deep in thought. She tilted her head as she watched him watch the two dancing girls on the screen. When she studied him further, he looked nervous, unlike his usual confident swagger.

“You were just so stunning.” Ricky whispered, coming out timid, very unlike himself. “I knew I messed up with you… fucked up after our date, but I just wanted to talk to you, if just for a moment.” He looked at her, his hazel eyes regretful. “To tell you that I’m sorry and explain what happened before our date.”

Nina turned to look at him and he dropped his gaze. The sounds of the video seemed to blend into the background. “What happened?”

He gave her a rueful smile. “I was so nervous when Gina told me she set up a date with you,” he admitted quietly. “So, after spending hours googling what to do to impress the girl you like after she finally was going on a date with you, I went to the flower shop to buy peonies for you.” He chuckled dryly. “Gina told me they were your favourites. Anyways, I told the flower shop girl about how I was going on a date with the girl I’ve liked since I met her in grade school, when she wore bows in her hair, wove dandelions into crowns and stood up for people who were being picked on. The next thing I knew, she closed down the shop and decided to show me how sweet she thought that was.”

Ricky looked back at her, his hazel eyes swirling with pain and regret and Nina didn’t know what to do but _look_. “I’m so, so sorry Nina. I know I’m not perfect and that you don’t like me, but everyday I regret never telling you how beautiful I always thought you were— inside and out.”

Nina took a deep breath, tears welling up in her eyes at his words. They just felt so _real_ , so heartfelt and she knew they were. He made her insides feel fuzzy and warm, something she never felt with anyone.

“Howie kissed me,” she blurted. “Today, after our date.”

Ricky sucked in a deep breath, suddenly closer to her, staring into her eyes. “Did you like it?”

“I don’t know.” She took a deep breath in to try and stop her rapidly beating heart. “I don’t have anything to compare it to.”

Ricky laughed, melodic and beautiful, something Nina never noticed (oh, she did, but she never cared to admit it). “Let me help you with that.”

Her eyes slid shut as she felt his lips against her. It was gentle, sweet, soft, but tentative, but it made her ache to her core with how _right_ it felt. Nina surged forward, opening her mouth to allow Ricky’s tongue to slide through and tasted him. She felt what they could be if she took that push.

They weren’t EJ and Gina, but maybe, just maybe, together they could just be _them_.

Ricky broke the kiss and broke Nina out of her daze, opening her eyes to see him checking on Lilah and that she wasn’t disturbed.

His eyes were dark when he stared at her. “What do you think?”

Nina sat back, touching her lips in wonder as one thing slid into her brain.

_Holy forking shirtballs, she was fucked._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's part 3! i really hope you guys like it. sorry it took so long, i had a lot of school going on and i had no time for literally anything else. i snuck in writing this chapter through late night writing sessions that were fun to do, but bad for my sleeping habits (oops). do you think the chapters are too long? i don't think so, because this is a generally shorter story in terms of chapters, but i'm asking because the next chapter is going to be pretty long. it's mostly just for science i guess :)
> 
> also, i'm thinking about getting a twitter. would you guys be interested in that? i would probably post updates and sneak peeks there, but i want to make sure it's not completely useless if i made it (as you can see, i'm not get at technology). i've heard that the hsmtmts fandom is pretty active there, so that sounds cool.
> 
> coming up next- drawing it to a close, job opportunities, fights, confusion, more other people! (that doesn't make sense does it lol)
> 
> as always, reading your comments put a big smile on my face, as well as kudos. let me know what you think about this chapter, or what you think i need to improve on! :)


	4. and we're back to fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> growing as they go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> be warned, this chapter is hella long :)

**_and we’re back to fall_ **

Nina sighed as she got the letter opening, slicing the top of it before skimming the contents. She blinked and reread it again, before tossing the letter and everything in it on the coffee table. She leaned back on the couch, rubbing out her migraine, and went back to work. There was still a load of laundry left, the dishes needed to be taken out of the dishwasher, and Ricky was out with Lilah getting the groceries. 

Nina paused.

Ricky. 

It’s been about two months (2 months, 9 days, 7 hours, 53 minutes, and 19 seconds; but Nina wasn’t counting okay) since her date with Howie, since Ricky revealed what happened the night of their first date, prom, growing up, ~~his feelings~~ , and… since they kissed. The next day, though, after waking up in each other’s arms, both of them chose to ignore what happened the night before, and their interactions were based solely on awkward conversations, dry remarks, and playful banter.

God, it sucked.

Lilah didn’t notice the awkward tension between her godparents— thank Taylor Swift, because the last thing she would want to happen is to have Lilah be affected by it in any way possible. Jenn was right, it was solely a Ricky and Nina thing.

The door slammed and Nina jolted up from her spot. “Honey, I’m home!” Ricky strolled into the living room, Lilah balancing on his hip and holding groceries. He plopped them in the kitchen before reentering the room. His grin slid off his face when he saw Nina hunched over on the couch. “What’s wrong?”

She didn’t respond, choosing to bury her face in her hands, but Ricky, not moved by her behavior, slid in the spot next to her, putting Lilah on his lap. She immediately crawled into Nina’s lap, taking a strand of the chocolate coloured hair into her small fingers to examine it. Gina was the exact same way— she was endlessly curious, and that made a little smile work its way onto Nina’s face.

Anything her best friend found remotely interesting became an obsession. In grade school, it was flowers. In middle school, it was animals and human rights. When it was high school… it was EJ.

Nina looked up and smiled softly at the little girl. “Auntie Nina is a loser sweetheart,” she announced. “You still like me, right?”

Lilah stared up at her with her big green Caswell eyes and leaned in so they were touching nose to nose. She then blew a raspberry in Nina’s face, causing her to laugh.

“You took my move!” Ricky chuckled before looking at the paper on the table and holding it up. “Nina, this isn’t the end of the world.”

She rolled her eyes. “The expenses of living in a house, taking care of a child, and redecorating it is crazy!” she responded. “And at the rate we’re going at, I won’t be able to afford expansions for _Croquembouche_.”

Ricky blinked. “I thought the bakery was well off enough that the expenses were already paid? That’s what you told Gina a few months ago.”

“How did you— nevermind. I was, until we started raising a child. Even with the monthly allowance we get from EJ and Gina, it’s still too much and eating its way into my _Croquembouche_ funds,” she groaned. “I also have to pay my staff and I don’t want to cut wages, so I guess expansions are just going to have to wait. It won’t be too bad, we just have to patch up the wall, and hopefully in a few years, we can start again.”

“You were so excited about the expansions,” Ricky reasoned, “you drew up the plans and everything! You look at the blueprints every other day to make you feel better!”

“That will have to wait,” Nina bemoaned. “What do you suggest?”

Ricky paused, looking straight into her eyes and telling her with a serious face, “I can lend you the money.”

Nina blinked before shaking her head vehemently, adjusting Lilah on her chest to make sure that she was still comfortable. “No, no way. I can’t ask you to do that.”

“Why not?” he asked. “Think of it like… an investment. You can pay me back, give me a lifetime supply of free coffee.”

She shook her head and frowned. “That… still doesn’t feel like it’s enough Ricky.”

“Well then,” he started, taking her hands into his own. She marvelled at how small her hands felt in his, flashing back to _that night_ , “I guess we should go on a date.”

Nina froze, blinking repeatedly as she pinched herself. After confirming that _yes, this was real, no, it was not a dream_ (she’s been getting them confused for the past few weeks), she straightened, wrapping her arms around Lilah’s chest protectively. “Huh?” she blurted out. “What?”

“You know… what I was supposed to take you on ten years ago but royally fucked up?” he looked at her, hazel eyes sparkling with uncertainty. Nina bit her lip. “I want to try it again. Make it right.”

She ran a hand through her hair, contemplating his words. They were— after 2 months, 9 days, 7 hours, 59 minutes, and 47 seconds— confronting what happened between them. Nina’s mind started to whirl immediately with what could go wrong. They were raising Lilah together, they were living in the same house—

“I can hear you thinking,” Ricky stated, lips curling upwards in amusement. “I know you and Howie are seeing each other, but we can’t keep denying what had happened that night. Between us.”

Then again, what could go right?

She turned to Lilah, who looked right back up at her. “Hm, what do you say Li? Should I go on a date with Uncle Ricky?”

The little girl tilted her head in contemplation before beaming, her growing front tooth prominent. Nina blinked at how much she looked like Gina when she did that. “Yes!”

“There you go!” Ricky cheered, taking Lilah into her strong arms and bestowing her a big kiss. “There’s my little cheerleader. You’re my lucky charm Lili!” 

He placed her back on Nina’s lap and whooped, the little girl squealing in delight as she copied him, throwing her arms up as well. “Yes!”

Nina sat there, just beaming at her little family.

* * *

“So you, Ricky and a date, huh?” Ashlyn stirred her tea and took a sip before meeting the older woman’s eyes. “Isn’t it going to be weird, with your history and all?” Nina squirmed, about to answer before Ashlyn cut her off again, holding Harlow in her arms, fast asleep. “Not to mention Mr. Super Hot Pediatrician, Dr. Howie Ashman, whom you’ve been seeing for the past few months?”

Nina shifted in her chair before taking a sip of her pumpkin latte. She looked up at the redhead guiltily. “Well, sort of seeing each other.” Ashlyn raised an eyebrow. “He’s been busy with his patients and appointments, I’ve been busy running the bakery and overseeing the expansion, so we haven’t really had any time to discuss our current relationship status, let alone being exclusive.” She felt as Lilah’s soft hand went out to touch her finger, which she moved closer to the toddler’s high chair. “And technically, Li accepted the date. Not me.”

Ashlyn looked at her in disbelief. “So you’re telling me that you’re leaving your dating life in the hands of a one year old? No, scratch that, your dating life _and_ sex life?”

Nina held her hands up in defense. “Well, actually, she’s almost two,” she corrected. “And it’s not leaving it in the hands of my goddaughter, it’s more of seeing what she thinks about it. Toddlers are oddly perceptive.”

Ashlyn snorted. “Okay, fine, you’re leaving your _Ricky_ decisions, the ones that the neighbourhood’s been having a bet on _will they won’t they_ , in the hands of your _almost two year old, oddly perceptive goddaughter_?” She stared at her in disbelief. “As a psychologist, I would say that you have _no idea_ what you’re doing— and this is all going to bite you in the ass.”

“And they wonder why no one likes shrinks,” Nina muttered, laughing as Ashlyn smacked her with a magazine. “Kidding! I can see why you and Gi were friends! You both cannot sugarcoat things for the life of you!”

“And I can see why _you and Gina_ were friends,” Ashlyn retorted. “Just as our late friend was, you, my darling, sweet, totally gorgeous Nina, are incredibly stupid and clueless when it comes to relationships.”

Nina shrugged. “Makes sense, seeing as I’m always the single one.”

“Regardless of that, what’s actually important is that you two are finally acknowledging what happened between you two,” Ashlyn replied, pouring more tea into her mug and accidentally spilling some. Nina got a napkin to wipe it up. “You’re both twenty seven year old grown-ups raising a child together, all of this dancing around each other must be exhausting! And the playful flirting and banter, well, that can’t just all be for nothing!” She reached for the jar of honey and stirred a spoonful in, before smiling up at Nina. “Are you at least a little excited for the date?”

Nina grinned to herself, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Yeah. Believe it or not, I’m really excited for it.” She stared out the window as the wind blew on the trees. “A little nervous though. No, let’s be honest, I’m super nervous.”

There was a cry and Nina whipped her head over to Lilah, who was trying to reach for her bottle that was a little out of her reach. She smiled. “Ba… Ba…”

Nina grabbed the bottle and placed it in the girl’s hand. “Sweetheart, can you try and say Nina?” Li stared at her for a moment, before shaking her head. “Okay then, what about Nini?" _Like your mom_. 

“Nuh… Nuh…” her goddaughter tried, before shaking her head once more, lips quivering.

Nina smiled adoringly at her before kissing the crown of her head. “Fair enough sweetheart. Good job for trying.” Meeting Ashlyn’s amused gaze, she shrugged. “Ricky and I have a bet going on what she’s saying first. I’m hoping it’s Nina or at least Nini, but Ricky is adamant that it’s going to be him.”

“I didn’t ask,” Ashlyn teased, sticking her tongue out at Nina’s mock glare. “She has that stubborn look of knowing…” she looked affectionately at the little girl. “It’s incredible how much of the both of them you see in her.”

Nina sighed, swirling the empty mug in her hands. “Sometimes I just miss them so much,” she confessed, “and it feels like I’m just babysitting, waiting for them to come back at the end of the day. Maybe we’d watch The Good Place together or some trashy show. But then night comes and reality hits— they’re not coming back. Ever.” She chuckled dryly. “Jenn is right— we’re still figuring it out, still working on how to be a family— and I’m still trying to deal with my own problems.”

“And you’re making it even more complicated by going on a date with Ricky,” Ashlyn mocked.

Nina sighed. “Any suggestions on how to make it easier?”

Ashlyn looked over at Harlow, who snuggled up against her mother, and Lilah, who was happily drinking out of her bottle, before saying, “Use protection.”

Nina blinked. Then she blinked again. “Huh?” she asked intelligently.

The other woman chuckled. “Look, as much as you love Lilah, I can tell that you can’t handle another child that fast. So unless you want a Bowen Jr. running around the place in nine months, I’d say you should get some.”

“Excuse m— no Ricky and I aren’t going to be sleeping together!” Nina exclaimed, burying her face in her hands. Ashlyn chuckled. “Ash! That’s not nice.”

“Sorry, I kid, I kid,” she conceded, before adding, “but seriously, get protection or you’ll kid too.”

“Ash!” Nina paused, before jolting. “Hey, what did you say about the neighbourhood _will they won’t they_ bet?”

* * *

Nina carefully did her lipstick, checking to make sure she didn’t have any on her teeth (no need for a repeat from prom) and put in her earrings. Well, they were technically Gina’s, pretty rubies that the curly haired woman had insisted she keep. It matched extremely well with the red dress she was wearing.

“Nina, you ready?” Ricky called from down the stairs. Nina took a deep breath to stop her rapidly beating heart, willing herself to be calm. It was only a date. She’s been on lots of dates, yes, recently with Howie, but this one felt different. 

Whether it was better different or worse different, time will tell.

But the moment was now, and she didn’t want to do anything else but enjoy it. After all, it’s been ten years, ten long, long years, since that disastrous day in ‘10, and after all that time, they were going on a date. This time, possibly, maybe, _hopefully_ , they’ll do it right.

She grabbed her purse, checking her makeup one last time, itching to fix that one curl that didn’t sit just right before just leaving it. She quickly walked out her room and down the stairs, where Ricky stood waiting at the bottom. Lily had Lilah in her arms, who was chewing thoroughly on a frozen chewing toy since a new tooth was coming in, beside him. 

Ricky looked taken aback when he first saw her, and Nina became conscious of how the red dress she was wearing looked a lot like their first date’s and prom’s. Before she could apologize though, Ricky smiled at her, something so genuine and beautiful and Nina almost melted right there. “You look gorgeous,” he told her sincerely.

Nina blushed. “Thank you, you look great too.” She then noticed his old letterman jacket from East High all of those years ago, all the way back from when he and EJ were on the basketball team. “Wow Leopard, this is a blast from the past!”

He smirked. “Well, I wanted to do it right this time,” he looked at her dress, “and if that means bringing a throwback, then so be it. I saw that you did too.”

“Gina always did say that this was my best dress,” she admitted, taking the final step, “and red does happen to be my colour.”

“And Taylor Swift’s best album,” he remarked. 

She grinned. “You remembered!”

“How could I forget?” he asked. “You talk about it constantly. But you’re right though, Red is Taylor’s best album, and it’s definitely your colour.” He took a step closer to her, taking something out of his jacket. Nina realized what it was; a single red peony. “I know it’s a little late,” _that would be an understatement_ , “but I hope you like it.”

She smiled at him, taking the flower from his outstretched hand. Her fingers brushed against his hand, and she marvelled at how coarse they seemed. Her cheeks heated up as she studied the flower, stunning in every single angle, the perfect pick. “I do,” she uttered. “Thank you.”

She shifted the flower in her hand. “I can take that,” Lily offered, breaking Nina out of her daze. Nina handed the bloom with the utmost care to the teenager, who took it as carefully as Nina did. “You guys make a super cute couple.”

Lily turned scarlet when she realized what she said and squeaked out a goodbye before quickly rushing off into the kitchen with Lilah in tow. Nina and Ricky laughed at her words.

“If it makes you feel better, she says that about everything,” Nina offered as she put on her shoes. “The last time she was here babysitting, she was watching a TV show about singing teenagers putting on a musical? She was absolutely drooling over the male lead. It was adorable.”

Ricky chuckled, toying with his keys. “Well, I hope it was the hotter one,” he drawled, making Nina giggle. “Shall we, milady?”

He opened the door with a great flourish, giving her a shallow bow. She laughed and returned his gesture with a mock curtsy of her own, a smile playing on her red lips. “We shall, my good sir.” She walked out on the porch, feeling a gentle breeze that was rare in the Los Angeles heat. She heard him call out to Lily that they were leaving now, not really registering what he was saying.

After he closed the door and she heard the lock click, Ricky went beside her. Nina breathed in his scent, the pleasant incredibly attractive aroma of sandalwood and citrus filling her lungs. She took another deep breath, trying to release her nerves into them. His cologne, the peony, the jacket— all items that sum of Ricky, confirmed that this was happening. She was going on a date with Richard Xavier Bowen; the boy she’s known since grade school when he pulled on her pigtails, the bane of her existence since high school, the incredible man who was co-parenting their godchild with her… and the man she had partied with, laughed with, spent time with in Sicily.

“What are you thinking about?” Ricky asked suddenly, snapping her out of her trance.

She turned to him and gave him a soft smile. “Sicily.”

Ricky laughed, the sound deep and husky and turning Nina’s insides into liquid fire, before reaching his hand to take hers. They were warm, far larger than hers, rough, but somehow it felt more right than anything else. She squeezed it, and he squeezed back, making her cheeks turn red. They headed down the walkway and into the moment.

“It does feel kind of like that night, doesn’t it?” he mused. “The mood feels similar, except we don’t have to worry about Gina and EJ kicking us out the sailboats just so they could knock uglies.” They stopped at the driveway and Ricky looked at her. “Now, unlike that day ten years ago, I didn’t give you a choice with which form of transportation you wanted to use. So, Nina, what do you think? Bike or car?”

“Car,” she decided, before Ricky led her to it. Instead of it being the SUV, an older BMW that Nina recognized instantly stood in its place. How could she not? It was her ride throughout high school. “You didn’t.”

He chuckled. “I did.” He opened the door. “It’s actually a funny story, because I had it at my old place, you know, since I moved here? I never really needed it, because I had my motorcycle, but I think I found a purpose for this ol’ baby now.”

Nina smiled at him and carefully sat down, adjusting the skirt of her dress. Ricky stared at her for a moment, a small smile grew on his chiseled face. Nina blushed. “I know I keep saying it, but Nina, you look stunning.”

She couldn’t help her cheeks going redder as she beamed at him. “Thanks.”

Ricky slid into the driver’s seat next to her as Nina studied the little figurines on the dashboard, looking softly at the small Tim Duncan. It was a gift from EJ and Gina all those years ago, around senior year, saying that he needed to add something special to his car. EJ had chosen Tim Duncan for him, Ricky’s all time favourite player, and it’s been there ever since.

She took a deep breath. “It even smells the same,” she commented, causing Ricky to laugh.

“Oh really?” an eyebrow quirked, his voice curious. “What does it smell like?” he started the engine and Nina had vague flashbacks to high school.

She met his eyes, the hazel seeming to glow in the darkness of the car. “Like that cologne you used to wear all the time.” she searched for the name. “ _Throb_ , I think? Your signature scent all throughout the years.”

“Just what I need to set the mood,” he laughed, the melodic sound travelling throughout the small car. “Did you know that I used it in high school because you said it smelled nice after that chick at the mall had ambushed me with it?”

“No you didn’t.” She darted her eyes back up to his, taking notice of his sheepish expression. Her mouth fell open. “Oh my god, you did!”

“Well, when the girl you’ve liked for a long time tells you that you smell nice, you take that opportunity to use what she likes to smell on a guy,” he admits. “So you liked _Throb_ , and that was the only idea I had of what you liked, so I used it! A lot!”

She snorted. “I got super sick of it after a while,” she told him. He made a strangled noise. “I prefer your new cologne much more, if that means anything to you.”

She turned her gaze back to the front, watching them pull out of the driveway, and missed his blush. “It does,” he uttered softly. “It means a lot.”

She smiled and turned to the radio knob, searching for a better station. “So Ricky, will I get any insight of what we’ll be doing this very fine evening?”

“Well, first off, don’t touch my music,” he remarked, before taking her hand away from the knob and intertwining their fingers. He gave them a tentative squeeze, surprising Nina, before she squeezed back. It felt nice, holding hands with him. She missed his faint smile. “Second off, I’m making use of our first date plans, with a little bit of modification.”

* * *

“So you were going to take me to _Reese’s_?”

Nina looked around the old diner, taking note of the checkered red and white tile, rounded counter and stools, and the old jukebox she and Gina used to sing around when they had too much to drink. Ricky, still holding her hand, guided her to their usual booth, which was next to the window overlooking the lights of Hollywood.

“No, I was going to take you to _Sunshine_ , but since we’re no longer in Salt Lake, _Reese’s_ makes a good enough substitute.” _Sunshine_ was their old haunt in Salt Lake, Nina can remember study days with Gina, EJ, and Ricky while sipping a cherry cola there. She remembered the times that they got flat out drunk and didn’t want their parents to know, so they hid out there.

After moving to Los Angeles, they were a little homesick, until Ricky found _Reese’s_ , which was almost identical to the old diner back in Salt Lake. There, they used to hang out just as much as they did at _Sunshine_ , the place being like second homes for the four of them. Nina hadn’t been here since Gina and EJ died. 

“The truth is that I wanted to show you off,” he admitted. “Tell the world that I got Nina Salazar-Roberts, cheerleader and class president extraordinaire, to finally go out with me. Plus, I always knew what you liked here, you always order the same thing.” As if on cue, one of the waitresses, one with platinum blonde hair and doe eyes, approached their booth, eying Ricky up and down appreciatively. Nina almost reached her hand over to grab Ricky’s. “Burger. No mushrooms, caramelized onions, no mustard, pickles on the side. Steak fries and a cherry cola for the lady. I’ll have the same.” He winked at the woman, who turned red before running off.

“What if I didn’t want to order that?” she teased, cocking an eyebrow up.

“Oh?” he cocked her head to the side, his hazel eyes glittering with amusement. “Do tell me, does the lady have more refined taste now?”

She snorted. “Fuck no— you got it absolutely right! That’s exactly what I wanted!” She met his eyes across the table and tucked a loose curl behind her ear. “I think I’m just really flattered that you know what I like.”

“I guess twenty-one years of knowing each other really pays off.” He reached his hand across the table to grab hers, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I also just want you to be happy.”

“How do you know I’m not?” Nina was genuinely curious.

“I know that the past months have been— rough? It hasn’t been easy,” he told her. “I know I haven’t been the best roommate or co guardian, and maybe that’s because I’m scared of disappointing you.”

“You never— why would you disappoint me?” she looked concerned, giving Ricky’s hand another squeeze.

“Because you make me want to be better, and I never seem to be able to match it.” His eyes looked so sincere, the truthfulness in his words made her chest flutter. She rubbed her thumb along his hand, marvelling at how nice it felt for it to be the two of them without the weight of the world on their shoulders. “You never knew how much your approval meant to me. Whenever I fucked up, I could just imagine you adding it to your list of why you’d never be with someone like me.”

“Ricky…” Nina got up and went to sit beside him. “Scoot over.” She bumped her hip on his arm, making him comply and letting her slip into the spot beside him. “It was high school. We were just kids back then, and I was a bit of a bitch. I mean, look at Gina and EJ— they were psychopaths!”

He snorted as he remembered the shenanigans the four of them (mainly him, Gina, and EJ while Nina covered their asses) got into when they were in high school. “I mean— only Gina could get EJ, the varsity basketball captain, to climb up the flagpole naked save for his letterman jacket to hang her bra so everyone could salute it.”

“Right?” she chuckled with him as they recalled the fond, slightly graphic memory. “And to think that Crazy Caswell and Psycho Porter were the first to get married and have a kid!” She shook her head in mirth. “But you get it. People change. The four of us, we were lucky because we stuck together throughout it all and added more and more adventures to our names.”

A group of teenagers walked in and gathered in the back, the chime of the front door alerting their presence. Nina and Ricky watched them as they remembered being like them, just a group of four kids, different and weird and quirky but a family.

The jukebox in the back started to play and Ricky let out a laugh. “Do you remember this song?”

Nina smiled and nodded. “It was a school rally that was movie themed, and you and EJ went as Iron Monger and Iron Man to recreate that fight scene in _Iron Man_. EJ even got Gina to dress up as Pepper Potts in the white suit and everything. I faintly remember helping her do her makeup.”

“God, we watched that movie at least a thousand times,” he recalled. “We followed the entire series, never missing a movie. It’s been our thing for years now.”

She nodded her head in agreement, her mind flashing back to the times the four of them sat in Ricky’s basement and EJ replaying that scene over and over again on the DVR. “I know, it drove Gina and I crazy. We could quote _Iron Man_ word for word by the fifth run. I bet I still could today.”

She smiled to herself, humming to the words of the song, tapping her hand on her knee to the melody. Ricky looked at her for a moment, his knee moving to the beat, before he suddenly told her, “Get up.”

She blinked before snapping her head up at him. “What?”

He sighed, seeming like he expected her to resist. “Just go with the flow.” She watched him stand up, scoot his way to the end of it, and rise in front of her, extending a hand. She chuckled, but did not grab his hand. “Just take my damn hand, Roberts.”

She pretended to think about it, causing him to sigh in exasperation, before grinning and taking his hand. “Fine Bowen,” she said, “but this better not bite me in the ass.”

Pulling her close, Ricky wrapped an arm around her waist as they began to sway in front of their booth. “Better not bite me in the ass, title of your sex tape.” His breath was hot against her ear.

“Really, you’re quoting Brooklyn Nine-Nine on me now?” She heard him chuckle and rolled her eyes. “You really killed the mood.” 

“Well, _Amy_ , we can’t have, can we?”

 _“_ _I've got an angel_ _  
_ _She doesn't wear any wings_ _  
_ _She wears a heart that can melt my own_ _  
_ _Wears a smile that can make me wanna sing._ _  
_ _She gives me presents_ _  
_ _With her presence alone_ _  
_ _She gives me everything I could wish for_ _  
_ _Gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home_ _.”_

It felt nice, being in his arms without a care in the world. It was as if everything around them stood still in time and they were the only two people in the galaxy, just them and no one else. This felt solid, real, present, and safe. Just the feeling of being in his arms, ignoring all of their problems, losses, regrets, guilt, felt unlike anything she’s ever known. 

She broke out of her musings from a hoot. Nina twisted her head to see the group of teenagers watching them from the back. She smiled at them before turning back to look up at Ricky. His eyes were trained on her, the pupils of his hazel eyes almost taking over the iris, but all Nina could think about was that this man, wearing his Letterman jacket from high school, was staring at her like he was starving in a desert and she was his oasis. 

It took Nina a while to find her voice, her whisper coming out husky when she told him, “We have an audience.”

He gave her a rakish grin before leaning down to kiss her neck. “Well then,” he pressed a kiss to her forehead, “we better give them a good show.”

He spun her around, the skirt of her dress twirling around her before he pulled her close. She moved her hands to wrap behind his neck and pressed their foreheads together, swaying gently to the beat while gazing into each other’s eyes. Their lips were so close, if one of them moved a centimeter closer, they would be touching—

 _“She could make angels_ _  
_ _I've seen it with my own eyes_ _  
_ _You gotta be careful when you've got good love_ _  
_ _'Cause the angels will just keep on multiplying.”_

“Thank you,” she found herself whispering.

He took his index finger to tilt her head up, making it easier for him, as he didn’t have to crane his neck down quite as much. “What for?” he queried. 

Nina thought back to his confession, his fear of disappointing her, the admittance of what happened that day in 2010. “For making this the perfect first date,” she told him thickly.

Ricky stared at her, his lips inching closer to hers, his breath on her lips before—

“Dip her man!” one of the guys from the group of teenagers in the back hollered.

Ricky winked at them, meeting Nina’s eyes as she nodded in confirmation as he pulled away so he could twirl her out. They moved gracefully as he pulled her back to him, her eyes closed as he dipped her low, his hand supporting the small of her back. As Nina rose from the move, she found herself sliding against him, his fit figure making her eyes flutter. The feeling of being so close, their bodies touching was enough to send a shiver of anticipation through her spine.

They weren’t aware of the group of teenagers hooting and cheering, too entrapped with one another that they forgot about their audience. It made up for the missed date in 2010, the dances they didn’t have at prom, and all of the times they could have been together but weren’t. Everything, all the meltdowns, bickering, teasing, _flirting_ , had led up to this moment. And it was perfect.

 _“Ah, but you're so busy changing the world_ _  
_ _Just one smile and you can change all of mine_ _  
_ _We share the same soul_ _  
_ _Oh oh oh oh_ _  
_ _We share the same soul_ _  
_ _Oh oh oh oh_ _  
_ _We share the same soul_ _  
_ _Oh oh oh oh_ _  
_ _Oh oh oh oh_ _  
_ _Oh oh oh.”_

* * *

They stood on the porch hand in hand, staring in each other’s eyes. 

The date had been amazing, the night ending with her head on his shoulder, singing along to the Taylor Swift songs Nina had begged Ricky into allowing. Now, both of them were looking at each other like the other had held all the stars in the sky, with soft grins on their faces.

“So, did you have a good time?” Ricky asked when they reached the front door.

She smiled to herself. “Yeah, I had a great time actually.” She juggled between saying something and not, before biting the bullet and turned towards him. Her doe eyes were contemplative as she said, “What do you think would have happened if we hadn’t wasted all of this time? Do you think anything would have been different?”

He contemplated for a bit, before smiling faintly. “Maybe we would have given Lili someone to play with,” he mused.

She snorted at his response, before turning to look at the empty street. “Hm, maybe. I don’t know, I’m pretty set on changing the world. I don’t think I could do that with a crying baby to take care of and dirty diapers up to my knees.”

“Trust me, you could. Nina, you will change the world— single, married, knocked-up— by just being yourself. You are the most powerful person I know, Nina Salazar-Roberts.” He spun her around to look back at him, pulling her close to him. They could both feel the thrum of their hearts beating in sync. “Would you— the most powerful, smart, capable, wonderful, beautiful woman I know— let someone like me— the guy who messed with you, teased you, pined over you for years— kiss you?”

“Yes.” She didn’t hesitate, didn’t freeze up, and simply wove her arms around his neck, standing on her tiptoes. “I’ve been waiting for you to kiss me since—” she paused, trying to find the correct words, “since that basketball game, where you stayed with your teammate after he got hurt.”

He looked down at her, a small smile playing on his lips. “Oh really?”

She nodded. “I wasn’t a cheerleader back then, but one day I stayed late after student council and watched one of your games,” she explained, suddenly self-conscious of what she was saying. “We were what— sophomores at the time and one of your teammates ran into a wall and you just checked on him. Made sure he was okay, did all of the vitals checks, and even went to the hospital with him. That was the day I decided I wanted to become a cheerleader, because I wanted to support you no matter what.”

He cupped her cheeks as his lips grazed her chin and neck. “Now I really want to kiss you.”

Her eyes fluttered shut as she leaned closer to him. “Then do it—”

“Hey guys?” Both of them turned, still entrapped with one another, to find Lily staring at them, her usually pale face absolutely red in embarrassment. “I have swim practice early tomorrow morning, so I have to go home and go to bed.”

They looked guilty and pulled apart, their hands still joined. “Sorry Lily,” Nina apologized. “Go home. We’ll take it from here.”

“Here Lil.” Ricky handed her a fifty dollar bill. “Take the extra for being responsible… and seeing things you shouldn't have.”

Lily took the bill with a smile. “Thanks. Lilah fell asleep in her playpen. I didn’t want to wake her up.”

“Don’t worry about it, we’ll take it from here,” Nina assured her. “Go have fun at swim practice tomorrow, kick everyone’s butt.”

After making sure Lily got home safely, they walked back into the house and straight into the living room. Just as the petite blonde had said, Lilah was fast asleep in her playpen. She was laying on her stomach, her diapered bottom in the air.

“She looks like Gina on her 21st birthday,” Ricky commented as he carefully lifted their goddaughter in his strong arms. “Let’s get you to bed, my darling.”

Nina turned the lights off in the living room before joining Ricky to head upstairs to tuck their goddaughter in. The toddler didn’t notice the movement, snoring softly (sounding a lot like EJ) as they placed her gently in her crib. Nina grabbed Lilah’s favourite blanket, a soft yellow one with white flowers, and put it over her. 

“Good night, my sweet girl,” she whispered as she placed a kiss on her forehead.

Ricky moved the loose curls from her forehead and gave her a kiss as well. “Good night, Lili. Sweet dreams.”

He took Nina’s hand and guided her out of the nursery. They stood silently in the hallway, in between their two rooms, not one of them saying a word. 

“Ricky—” she started nervously, but was cut off when he kissed her.

His arms wrapped tight around her waist as her arms found their way around his neck. He pressed her into the wall, far more gentle than he would have been if not for their goddaughter peacefully sleeping a few doors down. A moan escaped her mouth as she tasted the cherry cola on his tongue, knowing very well that she probably tasted the same.

“Nina.” His lips travelled down from hers as they made their way to her neck. She shivered and her eyes shut in anticipation. His hands moved to her waist as she pressed herself to him, wrapping her legs around him. “Do you want to…?”

“Oh… god…” she struggled to make a sound, but finally managed to talk coherently. She fumbled behind her as she opened the handle of her room’s door. “Yes. Please. My room.”

Their lips reconnected as he walked them into her room. He dumped her unceremoniously on her bed, drinking her up in the darkness. Nina felt his eyes on her, and, feeling bold, found the strap of her dress and slid it down. 

Ricky swallowed as he struggled to find the words to say. “Wow.” He slowly took her in, memorizing every freckle, shadows, and curves. “Even better than Sicily.”

She smiled up at him. “Come here,” she beckoned. He leaned over her, his towering form looming, but she pulled off his shirt, feeling the hard lines of muscles formerly hidden. She stared appreciatively at him, her hands tracing every rivet of his well defined abs. “I agree. This is much, much better than Sicily.”

He looked down at her, a playful grin playing on his features. “Care to finish what we started then?”

“You’re so confident that it would have happened.”

He leaned down and silenced her with another kiss, eliciting a moan from her. “Wouldn’t it?” he asked, smirking at her.

Ignoring him, she pulled him down to meet her lips.

* * *

Ricky woke up to the sunlight coming in through the windows, regretting that he didn’t think to shut the blinds last night. He groaned and moved his arm over his eyes, trying to block out the sun. Coconut and papaya filtered into his senses as he saw soft, brunette hair on his chest, a slumbering Nina accompanying it. She looked so peaceful, her pink lips were in a soft smile, the worry lines she had gotten gone.

She was the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

For as long as Ricky could remember, he loved her. It was a fact that came to him as easily as breathing, but despite that, he always managed to mess up when she was near.

The first time he saw her in grade school, with a crown full of dandelions in her hair as she talked excitedly to Gina, he was gone. In middle school, when they were in music class and had to write a song, he was floored when she performed a beautiful, albeit silly, song about clouds. In high school, when he saw her walk down the halls in her acid wash jeans, red top, and brunette hair in a high ponytail, he was forever hers.

No matter what seemed to happen, the girls he dated, the songs he wrote, the shots he’s made, it all seemed connected to her. He could live without her, yes, but Nina was his reason for trying to be the best he could be. She was the reason he worked on being a better person, the reason he volunteered at the senior’s homes and taught kids how to skate. Everything about her made him want to be better.

A groan escaped her mouth as Nina’s long, dark lashes fluttered before she opened her eyes to meet his. He sucked in a breath, waiting for what she had to say.

Would she regret the night before? Was he a mistake— a stupid little fling to get out of her system like she said all those months ago? With the sun shining down at them, would she realize that Ricky wasn’t good enough for her, despite his best efforts, and she shouldn’t be with him?

“Good morning,” she whispered with a smile, her voice a few octaves higher from sleep.

He exhaled in relief, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Good morning.”

Nina blushed, her eyes roaming his chest, as she met his eyes mischievously. “We’re naked under here,” she pointed out.

He shuddered as her small hands danced on his chest. “We are.”

She laughed as she fell back onto his chest, cuddling with him. He let out a guffaw as he wrapped his arms around her, thinking how he could wake up to this every morning, and never tire of it. How he could openly kiss her, hug her, shower her with all of the love and attention she deserved.

Love.

He loved her.

Nina jolted, meeting his eyes in surprise before kissing him slowly and gently. 

“What?” he asked, taking his free hand and moving the hair out of the way so he could look into her eyes.

She gave him a mischievous smile, before asking, “Do you know what you just said?”

He blinked confused as he shook her head. “No, what did I say?”

She opened her mouth to reply, but was cut off by a wail from Lilah. She shot off the bed. “It’s time for her bottle.” She picked the shirt he wore last night and put it on quickly, Ricky noticing how beautiful she looked in it. “I’ll be right back.”

“Nina!” he called out and she turned from the doorway. “Wait, what did I say?”

She gazed at him warmly, a small smile playing on her face as she said, “You told me you loved me.”

* * *

“Wow… so you went on a date with him, had sex with him, and got him to declare his love with you in the span of one night? Just… wow!” Nathalie exclaimed while helping Nina organize the baked goods. “You, my friend, are amazing!”

Nina snorted. “Amazing isn’t the word I’d use to describe myself. More like ‘clueless’, as Ashlyn has told me. I mean— I froze up.” She placed the sandwiches into the respective places. “I didn’t say it back.”

Nathalie hummed. “Did he mention it at all?”

“No.” Nina shook her head. “He didn’t seem upset— more disappointed if anything— but I don’t think he expected me to say it? At least right away.” She placed her head in her hands. “I know he wants something real, something solid though.”

Nathalie snorted. “Real?” she repeated. “There’s nothing fake about it. Plus, there’s hot sex and the very real possibility of love, so I stand by my point.”

“There’s also Howie,” Nina reminded, not only Nathalie, but herself. She bit her lip in frustration. “He’s a really good guy, and it hurts to do this to him, but I have to let him know.”

“Oh yeah… Howie.” Nathalie slumped her shoulders as she fixed the cookie display. “I kind of forgot that you two have a thing. Oh, well, _had_.”

The door chimed as the subject of their conversation walked in. Howie’s smile was warm, bright, and welcoming. Nina inwardly cursed, dreading what she had to do. Nathalie, as if sensing her thoughts, gave her the side eyes as she greeted him.

“Long time, no see,” he greeted, before turning to Nathalie. “Hey Nat, how are things going?”

“Really well,” her friend replied easily. “I actually have to do some more testing on recipes,” she started to gather her things, “but I’ll see you around, okay? I’ll be in the back if you need anything.” She glanced at Nina, making a small gesture with her eyes, urging her to get it over with. “It was really nice seeing you, Howie.”

Nathalie walked out quickly, Nina turning her head just in time for her friend to mouth _‘Tell him!”_ to her. Howie hovered over the counter and looked at her. “So, how have you been?”

Nina took a deep breath to mentally steel herself for the conversation before turning to look at him. “Pretty good.” she smiled weakly at him. “I think we need to talk.”

* * *

“For someone working from home, you are a hard man to get a hold of.” Zack glanced around the coffee shop before turning back to Ricky, who had Lilah crawling all over his lap. “And look at you now! All domesticated and a family man!”

Ricky snorted, grabbing Lilah’s hips before she could slip off. “I hardly think I am— Lilah won’t even say my name!” He took a sip of his coffee. “Right now, Nina and I are beat by ‘yes’, ‘elephant’, and ‘Ly’.”

Zack watched Lilah fondly, allowing the little girl to get a hold of his finger from across the table. “Ly?”

“Lily, Lilah’s babysitter,” Ricky explained. He reached for his work bag and fished out Lilah’s bottle, handing it to the girl. She grabbed it and drank from it hungrily, a little bit of formula dripping down her chin. He grabbed a napkin and quickly wiped it off. Her wide green Caswell eyes looked curiously at his boss. “So Zack, what’s up?”

“Your trip to Japan is coming up,” Zack started. “I didn’t tell you this before— with all of the stuff going up— but it’s kind of like a test run? No, an interview. A sports channel in Japan, their most popular one actually, is looking for an editor with their new channel. I showed them some of your pieces— and they want you.”

“They… want me… to work for them in Japan,” Ricky started slowly. “Look Zack, I know I said that I wanted to branch out into journalism and eventually editing, but that was so I could take care of Lilah. This is—”

“A great opportunity Rick,” Zack cut him off. “I know you have Lilah to take care of, and I’[d hate to lose you, but Ricky, you have a crazy amount of potential. This is a great stepping stone into sports broadcasting, and I can almost guarantee that after you finish the assignment, you’ll be offered the position.”

Ricky felt torn. On the one hand, this was his dream. But there was Nina and Lilah. Both girls meant the world to him, and he and Nina just started to become… _something_. “That’s awesome!” he exclaimed. He heard a hum and turned to Lilah, who just put her bottle on the table. Ricky didn’t know if he could just take the girl across the world, so far away from his home. “But I don’t think I’ll take the job.”

Zack looked at him in surprise, his hand freezing in mid-air before he put down his coffee. “What do you mean you won't? Did you talk to Nina about it?”

“See, so that’s the thing.” He shook his head, remembering the morning and night before. “I just got her to go out with me, it’s been great. Zack— I think, no, I know that I’m in love with her.”

Zack snorted before asking, “Did you have the talk?”

“We already slept together,” he replied, not really worried about the matter. “I’m pretty sure we don’t _need_ the talk.”

Zack slapped a hand to his forehead. “Not the sex talk, you dumbass! I mean, did you have the “ _what are we?”_ talk? The _“are we boyfriend/girlfriend or are we just some hot fling?”_ sort of thing. Do you see a future together? Can you see yourselves getting married?”

Ricky looked back to that morning. The feeling of having her wake up in his arms was something he could have forever and never get tired of. But when he told her he loved her, she didn’t say it back. She smiled, looked happy, but didn’t say it. Did it matter? Was he not good enough for her, like he wasn’t good enough for his mother, and she didn’t want him?

 _She’s just not ready_ , a rational part of his brain told him. _It’s only been a few hours._

“It’s only been a few hours,” he repeated. “She hasn’t even said that she loves me back, so this is all way too soon to tell.”

Zack sighed and took another sip of coffee. “Then I suggest that you have the talk and see what the hell you are. It’s not fair for you to put your career on hold for a _‘maybe’_.”

“Well, Lilah and I are meeting her at _Croquembouche_ in an hour, so I’ll see then.” He hoped that she would say that she wanted a future with him, but more importantly, wanted him. Sure, Japan sounded like a dream come true, but his life wouldn’t be his life without her in it. If she didn’t want him however… well, Tokyo might be his new address in a few months after all.

He looked down at Lilah, who was clawing at his arms to get his attention, and when she did, gave him a smile. Ricky’s eyes softened as he saw his best friend in her. EJ would have encouraged him to take the job, to follow his dreams and be selfish for once. But, he also would have told him to talk to Nina, especially if they decided that they were serious and wanted to make their relationship work.

Zack nodded. “Alright then, let me know.” He gave another fond look to Lilah. “She takes a lot after you, you know?”

Ricky’s heart melted as he pressed a kiss to the little girl’s forehead. “Well then, that’s something to be happy about.”

* * *

The silence was unsettling, the both of them looking awkwardly at one another. After a while, Nina said, “I’m sorry.” Elaborating more, she continued. “This is something new and I don’t want to hurt you— but I don’t want you to think I’m hiding something from you either. Honestly is important to me, and… things between Ricky and I are a bit complex right now.”

Howie remained silent and Nina sucked in a breath, before looking up at him and giving her a faint smile. She exhaled. “You’re right, we never talked about being exclusive.” He thought for a moment before adding, “Have you and Ricky talked about it?”

She shook her head. “When I mean it’s new— I mean like last night new.”

He contemplated for a while before stating quite bluntly, “Look Nina, I don’t want to break up. I know there’s something between us— something pure, something good— that we can’t ignore.” He let out a sigh and rubbed his eyes. “I’m just letting you know that I’m here. I’m not ready to let go of _this_ — of what we have.” He grasped her hands and met her eyes. “But I will, if that’s what you want. If you’re sure that you and Ricky are the ones for each other and you want the same things.”

Right. The talk. They haven’t had it yet.

It was nice to wake up on her bed in her arms, have breakfast together, then get ready for work. It was nice taking care of Lilah together, the little inside jokes and comments he made that made her smile. But it was too soon for that type of talk. Nina knew he loved her and she was all too aware that she hadn’t said it back, but there was something that was holding her back and making her hesitate. She just didn’t know what it was yet.

“We’re not,” she admitted. “But what I know is that I don’t want to keep stringing you along. Howie, it’s just not fair to you.”

He grinned and flicked her nose. “Everything has strings, Pinnochio, if you look a little deeper than first glance.”

The door chimed and Ricky walked in with Lilah, a big grin on his face that slowly slid off when seeing Howie, whose hand was a little too close to her face. 

“Hey guys!” she greeted and blew kisses at Lilah while the girl clapped her hands happily.

“Well, I should get going. I have a patient in a few minutes and don’t want to be late.” He gave her a smile before approaching the front door where Ricky and Lilah were. “Hey sweetheart.” He stuck his hand out to Lilah, who took his index finger and shook it vigorously. He then turned to Ricky and nodded. “It was nice seeing you, Ricky.”

He left quickly, the chime signaling his departure as Ricky met her eyes. “So, good talk?”

She nodded. “Yes, it was. It told him about us.” She gestured to them to meet her in the back in her office, shutting the door behind them. Lilah made a motion that she wanted to go down and Ricky obliged, placing the little girl down gently as she began to crawl. His hazel eyes were cool as they met her and Nina steeled herself, suddenly nervous of her next words. “He said that he’s not ready to give up on me— not until we figure out what we are.”

To her surprise, he nodded in agreement. “That’s fair.” He took a seat across from her. “I met Zack for coffee right before this, and he told me that the job in Japan is basically an interview. They want an editor for their new channel— Nina, they want me.”

“Oh.” She ignored the surprising amount of pain she got from those words, forcing a smile onto her face. “Well, that’s amazing. That’s all you’ve ever wanted, isn’t it? You deserve it too—”

“Goddamnit Nina, can’t you be a little sad by my news?” he suddenly burst out. 

She found herself shouting back. “Oh course I’m upset! But it’s not fair for me to hold you back on your dreams. You have yours and I have mine!”

He laughed bitterly. “My dreams always included you in them,” he snapped, “but could you say the same for me?”

Nina froze, preparing herself for her response, but no words came out. Ricky let out another dry chuckle and ran a hand through his curls in frustration. “Great… just great.”

“Please, just give me time!” she pleaded, watching him grow more upset helplessly. “This is a lot, I just need time to think—”

“I’ll give you all the time in the damn world.” He got up from his seat, the look in his eyes cold. He bent down and kissed Lilah’s forehead softly. “I’ll be away from home for a few days, just to get away.”

“What, where are you going?” she asked. “Ricky, you can’t just walk away from this because you’re scared! Please!”

He was already close to the door and turned back, a bitter expression playing on his features. “Well then, what is this?” Unable to respond, he opened the door, leaving with a, “Of course.”

The door slammed. Nina sat back, silently trying to hold back her tears. Lilah pushed herself off of her knee, getting up all by herself. 

She sniffled and smiled at the toddler. “You never did that before.”

Lilah stared up at her, a big grin on her face. Nina fished her phone out of her bag and opened the camera. Staring at her goddaughter through the screen, she noticed that Lilah’s dark curls were to her shoulders, and she grew a size up in clothing. 

Nina realized that her worries about Lilah’s development was in vain— the little girl grew, she just needed time. 

Just like her.

Nina took a few photos on her phone and sat down next to the little girl to show her the photos. “See that?” It’s you,” she told her. “You have your mommy’s dark curls and your daddy’s big sea green eyes.”

Lilah touched her cheek gently to wipe off a tear. She didn’t even realize she was crying.

* * *

“So there’s extra blankets in the closet and the fridge is yours to raid,” Red told him, leaning against the doorway of the basement. Ricky sat on the sofa bed. “We usually have our guests in the basement, but it’s been so long because of Harlow, so sorry if it’s a little dusty.”

“Don’t worry, it’s perfect. Thanks for letting me stay, I really appreciate it.” He leaned back on the sofa and looked at the other man. “Nina and I had a fight.”

Red arched an eyebrow. “Really?” he exclaimed. “From what Ash has been telling me, it’s been hot and heavy for you two. What changed?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted. Red sat in the armchair across from the sofa bed so Ricky could continue. “It’s never been hard for me to express how I feel to her. She’s not similar at all, it’s harder for her— she couldn’t even respond, and I just feel like an idiot who fucked up.”

“Don’t you ever think it’s hard for her?” Ricky looked up curiously as Ashlyn entered, sitting on the chair’s arm. “I mean, Nina lost her parents then her best friend— if it were me, I’d feel like nothing is permanent, anyone can leave.”

“But there it is? How can I assure her that I’ll stay?” he asked. “How can I get her to choose me, to want me just as much as I do her?”

“Well, for starters, don’t leave the house when there’s a fight,” Red remarked. “If you want her to know that you’ll stay, stay.”

“But what about the Japan job?”

Ashlyn sighed. “Life is all about choices Ricky. You pick the ones that are right for you— and if you want them in your life— Nina and Lilah as well. That’s what a family is— making choices and sacrifices for a greater happiness and love.”

He gave them a tired smile. “Where were you two when we were fighting?”

“Probably taking care of a fussy baby,” Red retorted.

Ashlyn gave him a curious look. “You are going to be there for her birthday, right?”

He nodded. “Yeah, and I’m leaving for Tokyo the morning after.”

“You’re cutting a little close,” she remarked, rolling her eyes. “A nice way of showing your commitment.”

Ricky didn’t say anything after that.

* * *

“Oh my god! Congrats!” Nina gave Kourtney a tight hug as they walked into the living room. Margo was in the dining room already, visibly pregnant, piling food up on her plate, provided by _Croquembouche_ and Nathalie. “Why didn’t you tell me anything?”

“Well, things have been a little crazy these past few months with EJ and Gina,” she explained sadly. “We found out a little after you guys moved in and we just felt like we should give you time to adjust. Margo’s just started showing and we’re going to have a little boy.”

“You have to let me cater the baby shower,” she told Kourtney. “Let it be my present for you… and a little more but we’ll get to that later. Have you thought of any names?”

Kourtney grinned. “We’re thinking Atlas because Margo is really into Greek mythology. I think it sounds cool.” She looked over to Lilah, who was sitting with Lily and her moms. “You and Ricky did a great job with her— she looks great.”

Just the mention of Ricky hurt, but she forced a smile. “Thanks.” Her eyes flickered to the door and waved weakly when Howie stepped through. “Sorry Kourt, can you excuse me?”

Kourtney looked to where Nina was looking and gave her a wink. “No problem. I’m going to check up on Margo, make sure she’s feeling okay.”

She turned her heel and disappeared into the crowd of people, leaving her with her guest. Howie slowed in front of her and gave her a grin. “Happy birthday Nina.”

“Thanks,” she smiled and led him to the dining room. “Food is here, and according to Nathalie, my cake should be out in a few hours.” She heard a little fuss and saw Lily try to calm Lilah down. “Sorry, I’ll be right back. Duty calls.”

“She’s been really fussy today,” Lily explained as Nina gathered the girl in her arms. “I don’t think she likes it when you’re so far away.”

“I wouldn’t like it either if Nina was far from me as well,” a deep voice said, making Nina shiver.

There was only one person that had that effect on her, and hope rose to her chest as she turned around. She wasn’t disappointed. “Ricky…”

“Happy birthday Neens,” he handed her a bouquet of red peonies, just like the ones from that night and kissed her cheek. Saying hi to Lily and her parents, he took Lilah from his arms, who immediately showered his face with kisses. “Can we talk?”

Nina nodded eagerly. “I have to change Li’s diaper anyways.”

Excusing themselves, they walked up the stairs to the nursery. He gently placed Lilah on the changing pad. “So, how are you?” he asked as she slid the diaper off Lilah’s bum. As if choreographed, he took over, grabbing a baby wipe while she threw out the diaper.

“Lonely,” she admitted as she reached for a clean diaper. “You haven’t been home for three days, I was getting a little scared.”

He snorted. “That’s nice, seeing as I haven’t heard from you in— guess what? Three days!”

“I don’t know what you want from me!” she handed him the diaper and quickly turned away. “I’m not as decisive as you are, I like to weigh in the pros and cons. I’m not as brave as you are, as quick—”

“You don’t think I’m scared?” he yelled. “Fuck, Nina, I’m absolutely terrified! I’ve imagined all of the things that could happen if we didn’t work out and it scares the living shit out of me, but I won’t let it scare me. You know why? Because I love you! I want you and love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you! All you have to do is ask and I’ll be here!”

“What if it doesn’t work out?” she whispered tearfully, wiping her eyes. Her lips trembled as she struggled to stay composed. “Ricky, I can’t lose you, not after I lost everyone I cared about in my life. I lost my moms, I lost EJ and Gina, and god be damned I sometimes wish they took me in the car crash, not them, because I can’t take it anymore. Don’t you see Ricky? It would be easier for us to keep it all in— to ignore it so you won’t leave like everyone else I’ve ever loved in my life!”

“You have that little faith in me?” there was a fire in Ricky’s eyes that she’s never seen before, not through all twenty one years of knowing each other. “I’ve tried _so hard_ to keep your trust!”

“Hey guys?” they both turned to see Red in the doorway, looking sheepishly at them. “Sorry to interrupt, but the walls are thin and we can all kind of hear everything.

“I was just leaving,” he hissed, looking over at Nina’s bowed head. “I’ll call from Tokyo.”

Giving Lilah a kiss, he stormed out of the room. She could hear him stomping down the stairs, flinching a little when she heard the front door slam. 

Red looked at her sympathetically. “I’ll give you a moment,” he told her kindly before gently closing the door.

Nina gathered Lilah in her arms before sitting down in the rocking chair, slowly rocking them back and forth. The tears fell steadily as she sobbed. She hated this. She hated him. She hated herself. She hated that she wanted him more than anything else but she was too scared to do so.

Nina felt small hands on both sides of her cheeks as Lilah looked at her— EJ’s sea green eyes staring at her innocently.

“Mama?” It came out in a tiny whisper.

Nina started to sob further, thinking about her beautiful curly haired best friend who was _Mama_ , not her. “No sweetheart, I’m not Mama, I’m Aunt Nini.”

Lilah’s hands went to her hair, looping strands around her tiny fingers before looking at her once more, this time saying with even more conviction. “Mama.”

The tears flowed freely down her face as she pulled the little girl close. She closed her eyes, thinking about what Gina would do if she were in her place, what Gina would say, what she would feel.

After a while, she opened her eyes and smiled down at the little girl nestled against her.

“Yes sweetheart, I’m your mama.”

* * *

Nina cleaned up at the last of the dishes, putting it in the dishwasher. The party was a bust— after the fight, everyone had left. Ashlyn and Kourtney had checked up on her to make sure she was okay, and after seeing that she’d rather be left alone, left as well.

There was a click from the back door and Nina looked up to see Howie standing there. He looked a little sheepish, his hands stuffed in his pocket. “I threw out the garbage,” he offered awkwardly. 

She nodded at him before whispering hoarsely “Thanks.” she pressed the dishwasher’s on button.

“Hey Nina?” he called, causing her to turn back around to him. “I think we need to talk.” She found him walking to her. “You know… I had this girlfriend once, thought I’d marry her. She was my salvation and I loved her more than anything.”

“What happened?” she peered curiously at him.

“We just didn’t work out.” His smile was tight and pained. “I just always assumed she’d be there and when she wasn’t one day, I realized I really screwed up with her. I didn’t fight for her, we didn’t talk out our problems.” He met her eyes. “But you and Ricky? If we fought like you two did— we’d still be together, my dear friend.”

She looked up at him. “Friend?”

“How could I ever fight with what you two have?” 

She sucked in a deep breath, tears streaming down her cheeks. “It’s just— if it weren’t for everything that’s happened, if none of these events have existed, Howie, I would want to be with someone like you. Someone who’s kind, sweet, handsome, and smart. I’m sorry I couldn’t give that to you.”

He gave her a sad look and squeezed her hand. “That’s okay, Nina, you can’t help who you love.”

“Love?” he nodded at her and she laughed bitterly. “Everyone I’ve ever loved has been ripped away from me. What if the same happens with him? What would I do?”

“You can’t live your life in fear Nina,” he told her. “You just have to take that leap, take that jump, because seeing what you and Ricky have, that’s something worth taking those risks.” He gave her another squeeze. “It’s just something you should think about before he goes to Tokyo.” He glanced at the clock. “I have to go, I have an early appointment tomorrow.”

He kissed her cheek and smiled gently at her. “Thanks, Howie,” she whispered.

“Anytime. Kiss Lilah for me, okay?”

He left, and she grabbed her keys. There was a stop she needed to make.

* * *

The cemetery was a little chilly for a cool October night, but as Nina stood, a bouquet of dahlias in her hand, she didn’t feel the breeze.

“Hey guys,” she said as she laid the flowers down gently. The names _Genevieve and Elijah James Caswell_ were engraved and she traced the names lovingly, getting a napkin from her purse and wiping the dirt off. “It’s been a while— almost like what? A month? I’m sorry I didn’t come to visit sooner, it’s been a little rough.”

She sat down in front of the tombstone, playing with the grass. “It’s been almost a year since we’ve actually seen each other, and so much is different. Ricky and I are a little more than just friends— well, I thought we were, but I don’t know anymore. At times like these, I would come to ask you for advice Gi— you too EJ— but I don’t know what to do.” She wove the strands together into a braid. 

“He’s leaving for Tokyo tomorrow morning, maybe not ever coming back, and he told me that I needed to make a choice. I could stop him, but I would stop his dream.” She laughed. “He said all of his dreams included me in it, but I can’t but feel guilty that I’m taking something away from him. I know Ashlyn said that love is sacrifice, but goddamnit, Gi, I’m scared!”

Tears ran down her face as she stood up. “Everyone in my life that I’ve ever loved leaves. My moms and then EJ and you, Gi! And sometimes I wish that the earth would take me instead, because then I wouldn’t have to deal with losing my entire world!” The wind blew on her, stands of her hair coming out of her bun. An owl hooted in the background. “Sometimes I ask whatever deity is up there to trade me with you, to let me die and give you back your life.”

She laughed bitterly. “And I know it’s stupid and I shouldn’t think that, because you’re gone, and fuck if I didn’t damn well know that, but I miss you. A lot. You would know what to do, you would give me advice on my relationship with Ricky, raising Lilah, _Croquembouche_ , but you can’t.” The wind howled. “Gina, if you’re somehow listening to me, give me a sign, a whisper, anything! Just give me advice!”

She paused as the wind stopped. “Should I let Ricky go to Tokyo?” Nothing happened. “Should I stop him from going?” Nothing again. Tears of frustration streamed as she screamed, “God Gina, just give me a sign! Anything!”

The owl in the background hooted again, if mocking her. She sighed and traced the tombstone one last time. “Maybe there’s a reason for everything,” she whispered finally, although the cemetery was deserted. “Maybe there’s a reason why everything and everyone in my life leaves— and I need to be okay with that. It’s just hard, y’know?” Picking out a weed from the grass she found another beside it and wove it together, as if making a crown. “I will be okay with it Gi, and I’ll figure it out some way or another.” She started to walk away before taking one last look.

“I miss you.” She dropped the dandelion crown.

* * *

“Lilah, we need to go, we need to catch Uncle Ricky at the airport!”

She gathered the keys, bags, and Lilah, who was sitting in her playpen. Her visit to Gina might have been a little unfulfilling, and she spent a sleepless night trying to figure out what she was going to say, but she knew one thing. If she lived a life without Ricky Bowen, it would be the most boring and unhappy life.

She loved Ricky Bowen. That was that on that.

She had left him three rambling voice messages throughout the morning, but from what she gathered, he’d either turned his phone off, or didn’t want her anymore. Nina hoped to god that it was the former, but didn’t dwell on it.

She opened the door and was a little taken aback to see Jenn there, her blonde hair once again immaculately done. “Jenn! I didn’t know you were coming to visit! You have the absolute worst timing ever!”

Jenn chuckled dryly. “Well, it’s my job to pop in unexpectedly. Where are you going?”

“I’m trying to go to the airport to stop the man that I love from flying to Tokyo,” she replied hastily, trying to slip on her flip flops while juggling Lilah and her bags in her arms. “I’m so sorry— can we schedule this another time?”

Jenn stared at her for a while, pissing Nina off because she _really_ needed to go, before a wide smile grew on her face. “Give me Lilah— we’ve got a flight to stop.”

* * *

Ricky sat at the gate, on his laptop looking at articles about Japan’s sport culture, which he would use to reference in his article later. His eyes went to the folder simply labeled _‘family’_ and clicked it. 

They were the pictures from Lilah’s first birthday.

His heart was heavy as he saw the picture of Gina and EJ, looking as in love as ever as they beamed at each other. He scrolled through them before stumbling on a picture of him and Nina, with Lilah on his lap.

Nina had been wiping cake off his face, her smile wide. EJ and him had an all out cake fight, resulting in the other man nailing him in the face with a pink slice of strawberry vanilla. Nina, after laughing like crazy and snapping a few dozen pictures, felt mercy for him and got a cloth to clean it off.

“You have a beautiful family.” Ricky’s head snapped up as he turned to the older lady beside him. “Your wife is very pretty and your daughter is gorgeous— she takes after you immensely.”

Ricky gave her a small smile. “Thank you,” he replied. “But they’re not my—”

He stopped himself from saying it. It would be a flatout lie to say that Nina and Lilah weren’t his family, no matter how mad he was at her. “I’d hate to leave them,” he said instead.

“Then why are you?” she queried with a smile. 

Unable to answer, he checked his phone, which was fully charged. Moving the screen upwards, he noticed that there were several missed calls and three voicemails from Nina.

“Ladies and gentlemen, Flight 746 to Tokyo is now boarding. Now allowing first class and business to board.”

That was him.

Packing up his laptop and charger, Ricky headed for the gate.

* * *

Nina stopped at the flight boarding screen, huffing a little bit (she ran track in high school as well, but the speed she ran was crazy!). Jenn followed behind her, not quite as fast, Lilah in her arms.

“Okay, so what flight are we looking for?” the blonde asked, adjusting Lilah so she’d be a little more comfortable.

“Ash said it was a flight to Tokyo, so that would be Flight 746.”

“746?” the social worker asked, her eyes sympathetic as she pointed to the bottom screen.

Nina’s heart seized in her chest as she saw the status of Ricky’s flight.

**_Departed._ **

* * *

Nina’s phone was blaring Taylor Swift as she opened the door with Lilah in her arms. The little girl had been comforting Jenn for the past twenty minutes, devastated that they couldn’t stop Ricky, while Nina drowned her sorrows out in Taylor Swift. After those minutes, however, they had to send Jenn off to her next clients.

Lilah pushed off Nina as she crawled around to the living room. Nina was equally as devastated as Jenn was, knowing that she lost her chance, as the likelihood of Ricky coming back after Tokyo was slim.

 _“Come back and tell me why_ _  
_ _I'm feelin' like I've missed you all this time_ _  
_ _(Uh-uh-uh)_ _  
_ _And meet me there tonight_ _  
_ _And let me know that it's not all in my mind.”_

“Dada!” 

Nina dropped her bags and ran as soon as she heard Lilah’s cry. Her heart thrummed in her chest as hope rose within her. 

When she got to the living room, she froze.

Lilah was standing and marching over to Ricky, who knelt down and opened his arms to her. Her little face was scrunched up in determination as she rushed to him, before he picked her up and spun her around proudly.

“You're a little overachiever aren’t you?” he exclaimed as he showered her face in kisses. He turned over to Nina with a big smile on his face. “Lilah can walk and talk— seemed like we didn’t mess her up after all.” Nina’s lips trembled and the grin slid off his face. “What’s wrong?”

She ran over to him and he wrapped his free arm around her, kissing her forehead. “I missed you!” she cried as she buried her face in his chest. “And I love you… so, so much.”

“I know,” he replied cheekily. “You said it a bunch of times in all of the voicemails you left, y’know?” He bent down to give her a soft kiss on the lips. “But there’s nothing better than hearing those words right from your lips.”

She wiped her eyes and gave him a tender smile. “I’m glad you feel that way,” her voice dropped as she looked at Lilah and softly caressed the little girl’s face before turning back to him. “I intend on showing you several times tonight.”

His grin widened as he kissed the top of her head, breathing in the coconut and papaya scent. “Good.”

After a moment in his arms, she looked up at him triumphantly. “You know, Lilah said Mama first.”

“She walked to me first,” he retorted.

“Well then, oh king of my heart, I guess we’re even.” She stood up on her tiptoes to kiss him once more.

He laughed. “ _King of my heart_? What are we? A bad Taylor Swift song?”

“No, we’re one of her good ones.”

 _“All I know is we said hello_ _  
_ _Your eyes look like coming home_ _  
_ _All I know is a simple name_ _  
_ _And everything has changed_ _  
_ _All I know is you held the door_ _  
_ _You'll be mine and I'll be yours_   
_All I know since yesterday, yeah_ _  
_ Is everything has changed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's the end! i really do hope that you guys like it, this fic has been my little baby for the past month (ooh, maybe i'll post the epilogue on may 31 to make it a full month— haha probably not i'm pretty busy). as you have heard, there will be an epilogue that i'm excited about. i don't know when the update will be.
> 
> the songs in this chapter are angel by jill johnson and everything has changed by taylor swift and ed sheeran. as you may have heard, i have a twitter now (same username— ataharcot) so if you're interested you can go check it out! i post trivial little things on there, story updates, and new story alerts. 
> 
> reading your comments and seeing your kudos always put a really big smile on my face, so once again, let me know what you think about this chapter and what i need to improve on!
> 
> coming up next- happily ever after


	5. we’ve been together hand-in-hand through it all

**_we’ve been together hand-in-hand through it all_ **

_three years later_

“Daddy!” 

Ricky looked up from the cupcakes he was putting together just in time for Lilah to come in running towards him. She was four years old now, with EJ’s unflappable energy and Gina’s no-nonsense attitude. However, she got Ricky’s carefreeness and Nina’s sweet nature. Her green eyes were wide with excitement as she went to him.

“What’s up sweetheart?” he asked, putting down the last of the cupcakes. He went to grab the candles from the cabinet.

“Is it time to wake Mommy up now?” she asked, bouncing around on one foot. She was in a pretty red dress after seeing a picture of Ricky and Nina’s first date, and, alongside the multiple bouquets of red peonies in the house, had announced that red was her favourite colour. He had done her curls in a french braid (Nina would be proud) and wove her a dandelion crown. “I fixed up the living room and decorated it with all the pictures me and Harley made!”

 _Harley_ was actually Harlow, Red and Ash’s little girl. She was now three, a year younger than Li, but they were best friends and in preschool together. They’ve been pouring over the pictures and collage since Ricky told her that they were going to surprise Nina for his birthday— it was a miracle that Nina didn’t figure it out already. Four year olds weren't exactly the most sleuthy.

“Why don’t I wake Mommy up and you pick the music, alright? Just ask Alexa for whatever you want to play,” he told her, laughing as she clapped and jumped up and down in agreement, rushing out of the kitchen. Her tiny footfalls could be heard as she got further away.

He arranged the last of the cupcakes before carefully placing the candles on the cake. After washing his hands and drying them off on his pants, he made his way out of the kitchen. The god awful carpet was long gone, replaced by a soft grey one that Lilah had helped pick out (she really just stuck her hand out and touched it— that was it).

As he walked upstairs, he stopped to look at the photos framed on the walls. There was one of him, Nina, Lilah, and Nathalie, who had successfully started a YouTube baking channel and was a hit with her witty sense of humor and mad skill. They were visiting her at her new home in New York, the photo almost being 5 months old. Another was of Lilah holding a newborn baby Atlas, her big green eyes peering down at him curiously, and the other was of the Rodriguez-Matthew-Smith twins, Oliver and Bey, on both sides of Lilah, walking her to her first day of preschool. Nina and Ricky were both too much of a mess to do it, and the twins eagerly stepped into their shoes.

Lilah was growing up so fast— Ricky wondered where the time went by.

The last photo was the one Gina took the day of Lilah’s first birthday— more specifically, their first family photo, something that will forever have a special spot in his heart.

Heading up the final steps, he turned towards his and Nina’s room. It was the master bedroom, something they were hesitant to move into originally, wondering if they were overstepping, but life was about change and adaptation. Gina and EJ were not coming back, and they have grown to accept it but miss them all the same. They moved into the bedroom about two years ago, after Nina's carefully redecorating of the entire house. 

He quietly opened the door to see a sleeping Nina, her body curled into a ball as she snored lightly (though she vehemently denied it). Her mouth was curved into a soft smile as she slept contently. 

He didn’t want to wake her up with how peaceful she was, but their daughter was waiting for them downstairs. He crept over to the bed and softly kissed Nina on the lips, causing her eyelids to flutter open, revealing her gorgeous doe eyes. 

“Good morning Sleeping Beauty,” he greeted as she woke up from her slumber.

“Ah, good morning.” She leaned up for another kiss. “How did you know that I wasn’t sleeping and just pretending to for a kiss?” she shot him a playful grin and got up, yawning softly. She stretched, her shirt riding up a little bit and Ricky poked her stomach. 

He shot her a cheeky grin at her mock glare. “I just know,” he replied with a smirk.

“Snarky this morning, aren’t you?” she remarked, handing him his phone from the bedside table. “Zack called. He wanted me to remind you about the meeting with the website developers— he’s going to sit in on the meeting. Also, the publishers are sending in the contract, so the both of you could go over it together.”

He groaned. “Remind me why we keep him around?”

“Because your articles are gaining much more traction and we need someone to look over them since they’re too big for us now,” she explained as they descended the stairs. “You see Ricky, when you become a very popular sports journalist and have active fans, enough to give you your own show, you’ll need someone to help you manage all of this stuff.”

Ricky’s journalism really kicked off and his popularity skyrocketed with his witty way of writing, so much so that the network he worked for was in the works of drawing up a contract for him to start his own show. Even though he adamantly said that he didn’t want one, Nina convinced him, seeing the way he longingly looked at the reporters and knew that he missed it.

Nina’s own career and _Croquembouche_ were doing exceptionally well, the little bakery expanding across America, even to New York, where Nathalie helped run it alongside her baking show. Nina was starting her own cookbook with Ricky’s help, and it was in its drafting phase now.

Lily just started her freshman year of university at Harvard, majoring in Literature, and she often called Ricky up for pointers. They sometimes talked for hours and hours about the most trivial of things. The blonde still visited, just not as often, and the entire family had missed her dearly.

As soon as they entered the living room, Lilah rushed to Nina and gave her a big hug. “Hi Mommy! Happy birthday! I decorated the living room all by myself.” She gestured around the room and showed her the crown in her hair. “Daddy made me a crown just like the one you had in your little pictures— it looks just like yours! He also was arranging your cake— Aunt Nat made it but said Daddy had to put it together.”

He gave her a handsome smile, kissing Lilah’s cheek. “I guess the secret’s out,” he exclaimed, “but you’d know I hadn’t baked it as soon as you tasted it. It would be too good to be mine.”

“Don’t worry Daddy, I’ll become a baker like Mommy and work at _Cro—_ Croquie when I’m big! Or I’ll be an aneth— doctor like Papa EJ!” She pressed the button on Alexa.

It was hard to explain the concept of Lilah’s parents being dead. It took them a long time to figure out how they were going to do it, and after a long night of deliberating on how to do it, they had piled together a huge album of pictures of EJ and Gina, as well as many videos from their younger days. Lilah had taken it exceptionally well, calling them Papa EJ and Momma Gi.

She declared she would wear Gina’s wedding dress when she gets married, and always wears the necklace EJ used to wear.

It had made Nina and Ricky relieved that she took it so well, Ricky was especially happy— up until the moment she had announced she would marry Oliver. The concept of Lilah growing up, falling in love, or even showing adoration for a guy that wasn’t him was just a sign that she was growing up fast, something that made Ricky sad but happy at the same time.

 _“Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away_ _  
__Now it looks as though they're here to stay_ _  
__Oh, I believe in yesterday”_

Nina and Ricky looked at each other, having not heard the song in a very long time. It was surprising to hear it now, especially at the cause of their daughter.

“Li, why did you pick this song?” Nina asked as Lilah skipped over to them.

The little girl shrugged, shifting her crown ever so slightly. “I had a dream during my nap where I was watching you, Daddy, Papa EJ and Momma Gi dancing to this song. Papa EJ showed me how to find the song. He said it would make a perfect moment.”

 _“Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be  
_ _There's a shadow hanging over me  
_ _Oh, yesterday came suddenly.”_

She grabbed both of their hands and pulled them towards her. “Come dance with me!” 

Ricky wrapped an arm around Nina as he scooped Lilah into his arms. “I mean, it is our song,” he swayed along to it. “We have to dance to it.”

She laughed, the melodic sound filling the room as she wrapped around his neck. “Well, if we have too.”

 _“Why she had to go?_ _  
__I don't know, she wouldn't say._ _  
__I said something wrong._ _  
__Now I long for yesterday.”_

The three of them moved to the beat, Nina leaned her head against Ricky’s shoulder as Lilah wrapped her arms around Ricky’s neck. He gave her a little wink as the little girl beamed at him before getting down, leaving him to dance with Nina.

His hand went to his pocket where the little velvet box resided in for the past six months. 

Lilah spun around, the skirt of her red dress billowing around her as she laughed as musically as Gina, her smile so much like EJ’s megawatt Caswell grin. She danced around them, swaying to the rhythm of the song, perfectly content.

Ricky took note of the scene around him. As EJ had said, this was the perfect moment.

 _“Yesterday love was such an easy game to play._ _  
__Now I need a place to hide away._ _  
__Oh, I believe in yesterday.”_

He pulled back as he took out the little box, getting down on one knee in front of her, in the house they had made their home, in front of their daughter and life. He gave her a small smile.

“Nina,” He watched the tears filling up in her eyes. It only took an eternity to get to this moment, all of the pit stops unnecessary but made their love all more fulfilling and strong. “Angelique Salazar-Roberts. You’ve been my world since the day I saw you on the playground, standing up for Pete Henderson. You’ve been the rock since my parent’s divorce in sophomore year, the reason I want to make myself better every day. I love everything about you, even your snoring, and I will find 1000 more reasons why every minute I stay with you. It’s only taken us 26 years to get to this point, but Nina, will you marry me?”

“Yes! Oh god, yes!” she threw her arms around him and laughed teary-eyed as he slid the ring on her finger. It was a perfect fit. He gave her a soft kiss before spinning her around, hearing her laughter. “Oh dammit.”

He stopped, his grin not dampered but a little concerned. “What’s wrong?”

“Does that mean I’ll have to walk down the aisle with a huge belly?” she asked. 

Ricky blanched before his grin widened. He picked her up and spun her around, hearing her laughs echo throughout the house. “Are you…?

“Yes, I was going to tell you later, but now seemed like a better time than any,” she told him with a huge smile. 

He laughed. “I love you so much,” he said earnestly. 

“I love you too.” 

“Does that mean our child will have three last names?” he asked as Nina rolled her eyes at him playfully.

“We’ll see.” Noticing Lilah’s curious expression, she picked the girl up and planted a huge kiss on her forehead. Her doe eyes glistened with tears. “Li sweetheart, in six months you’re going to have a little brother or sister.”

Their daughter squealed in delight as Ricky watched them with all of the love in the world in his heart. He was home.

 _“Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play_ _  
__Now I need a place to hide away_  
 _Oh, I believe in yesterday_ _  
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that, folks, is the end. thank you for all sticking with me through the ride. i haven't ever finished a fic, and seeing that this is my first completed fic makes me tear up a little. after writing this, i've realized that i overuse the number three but that's ok. i've watched the film and heard the song so many times now that my netflix and spotify recommended is messed up.
> 
> if you've noticed the chapter titles, i've been doing something fun with them,,, just a little call back to itikyk. if you haven't, there's a fun detail for you!
> 
> once again, i cannot thank you all for your kudos, bookmarks, and comments, they all mean the world to me. i'm always open to advice, and you can find me on twitter. there's a new story i've been working on for the past months called bloodlines that's out in a few hours. it's a harry potter au set in the marauders era. if you're interested go check it out!

**Author's Note:**

> if you're interested, looking for updates, or just want to chat, check me out on twitter @ataharcot!


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